A Sinner's Grace
by MrzEdCullen
Summary: She wanted all of me, but I couldn't give her that. What I did give her was far too much, yet not enough. Having her walk back into my life could be my saving grace… if there's anything left to save.
1. Chapter 1

**SM owns. **

**Thank you to Fran, Mari and Geeky. xo**

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**A Sinner's Grace - Chapter 1 **

**_Present_**

**Edward's POV**

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As I cross the street from the headquarters of Cullen, Masen &amp; Associates to the club that has become my second home, I know something's different. I can't explain what it is, but I know something has changed. The humid Seattle air doesn't feel like it usually does, and the realization of this scares me. I start undoing the knot of my tie before I even reach the door of Allure.

"Mr. Cullen," the bouncer says.

I nod in greeting before walking by.

"Scotch?" Peter, the bartender, asks as soon as I sit down. He doesn't bother with trying to engage me in conversation, but I notice he's looking at me strangely.

Something is definitely weird, but I can't put my finger on it. I take my drink without tasting it, going over my day in my mind.

I called Tanya to check on her before I left the office.

The security guard gave me the keys to the private elevator, as usual.

_What is it?_ I think to myself, running my hand over my face.

And then it comes back to me.

I rush back to the office, avoiding the annoyed drivers as I cross the street.

Emmett tries to question me as I run past him through the entrance doors. I hear his steady footsteps following me.

Deciding to ditch the elevator, I take the stairs two at a time until I reach the door I need.

As I knew it would be, the white door, that's usually locked, is ajar.

"Mr. Cullen! What's happening? Is something wrong?" Emmett asks, alert to find the danger he's paid to prevent.

I don't answer him.

"Did someone get in? Let me search the place."

He walks past me, all business, and searches the office that has been empty for the past two years. I let him get on with the protocol, knowing he won't find anything. When he's satisfied, he meets me back in the hall, calm and collected once more.

He talks about security measures while my heart beats faster with each second that passes.

Emmett's voice breaks through the haze of my memories and my constant pain. "Mr. Cullen, if I may ask, how did you know?"

I shrug and smile, hoping he doesn't notice that I can't breathe.

I don't tell him I can smell the women's perfume clinging to the air or that there's a picture frame missing from the desk.

He doesn't tell me what I already know—that she's back.

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	2. Chapter 2

**SM owns. Thank you to Mari, Fran, and GeekChic.**

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**Chapter 2**

**Past**

**Bella's Diary Entry**

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_Hello, paper thing-y I use to let out all these thoughts inside my head. I got a new job today! I'll be editing the content for the web pages of a global company that has businesses all around the world. So yeah, I'm freaking out. If I make a mistake or let a typo get out of my sight, millions and millions of people will see it and notice. Even if it's published for only a second before I can fix it. It's driving me nuts with anxiety, but I haven't been in need of my medication. Yet._

_I have a direct boss named Angela. She's nice. But above Angela are like a million people overseeing and deciding everything everyone does. The alpha boss is named Edward Cullen. I haven't heard much about him, except that he's kind of standoff-ish. I don't know. I don't think I'll ever even meet him. By the time the content I have to edit reaches me, so many people have given it their approval, that I don't think I'll have any business going to the half owner of the company. Anyway… that's all for today._

_Oh, I bought new black shoes. They're elegant and grown up and make me feel older than twenty. I hope they make me look professional tomorrow._

_Bye._

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**Thanks for reading.**

**PS: Author's notes will probably be non-existent for this story, but I am willing to answer any questions via PM.**


	3. Chapter 3

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to Mari, GeekChic, and Fran.**

**And special thanks to Fic Sisters for the feature, and the lovely readers they sent their way.**

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**Chapter 3**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

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"You're back," Tanya says, waking up as I kiss her forehead.

"Yeah." After I help her sit up, she studies me for a moment, her blue eyes gentle and knowing. I don't say anything because I don't need to.

She can smell the booze on my clothes, the sin on my skin.

We're past the point of judgment, and yet sometimes, I wish she would talk, scream, or get angry. Instead, she squeezes my hand. She wears her wedding band to bed, so it clinks with mine when she holds me.

The echo of the small sound pierces the room. I could stay holding her hand until she goes back to sleep, but I don't. I'm not kind.

Standing up, I let her be, promising myself I won't put yet another light out.

Bella's was more than enough.

* * *

The office is bursting with energy by the time I get there. Emmett receives me with updates about things being in order and how he will reinforce security measures to avoid people breaking in. I wish I cared enough to let him know there's no need. I know she was the one who left the door open. I don't know how I know. I just do.

Even if I did care, I can no longer speak. I stop dead in my tracks and block out everything else.

She's here.

Bella smiles at Angela, glowing like the sun inside the dark corners of this building. Lauren, her replacement, and Mike blush at what must be congratulating words on their engagement.

Before I can decide whether I'm ready to talk to her, she looks at me. Nothing in her expression changes, and for the first time since I've known her, I don't know what she's thinking.

The realization is yet another punch in my gut. Flashes of her skin against mine and her breath in my ear cloud my mind.

I swallow hard and taste guilt. I swallow again and choke on regret.

She looks away, and I lose her one more time.

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	4. Chapter 4

**SM owns.**

**Huge thanks, as always, to Fran, Mari and GeekChic.**

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**Chapter 4**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

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_Hi, diary that is not a diary. First day of work went fine. Angela showed me around and gave me like three months worth of newsletters to edit. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but really, it was a lot. There are newsletters for four different blogs from various products the company owns and like five newsletters for other specific projects the company is managing. And I'm sure the other web editor has more work than me, so I don't think I'm even sure of how big a scale this company has. It's weird. I feel tiny, but I like it._

_I had a mini panic attack before I left the house, but I made it, so yay for progress. I'm sure Dr. Medina would be proud of me. I think I'll dog-ear this page so that I can tell her about it when I meet her for coffee next month. Yes? Or is this too silly? I think I'm looking way too deep into this. I'll dog-ear it anyway._

_I wore the new black shoes. They looked fine, and I walked with steady steps the entire day. I think I should mention this to Dr. Medina as well. It was a small victories kind of day, right?_

_Oh! I think I saw Mr. Cullen today. He was getting in his car. I only saw his back, but hey, it's more than I thought I would get._

_Until next time._

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**Thanks for reading. Keep the theories coming.**


	5. Chapter 5

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**Thanks to GeekChic, Mari, and Fran.**

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**Chapter 5 **

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

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The rest of the day is null for me as I try to work around Bella's presence. She has been a ghost in this office for the past two years. Today, I can almost hear her heartbeat in my ears, judging me, condemning me.

Questions about why she's back have been all I can think about. It's driving me insane.

I was just getting used to the fact that I would never see her again. Not after what happened between us. Not after what I did to her.

My chest hurts when I breathe. It's a pain I've learned to live with, but this, the uncertainty, the nerves, the insecurity I've been feeling since I saw her, is new. It's crippling.

Emmett knocks on the door and informs me it's time to leave.

I take the keys to the elevator. I call Tanya. I walk past the halls of the empire my grandfather built and leave without a second glance.

Less than forty steps away from the office, I reach the club that has been drowning my sorrows for a year and a half.

The bouncer greets me.

The bartender serves me.

And I sit on the same stool I always do, waiting until a scene starts playing.

My skin itches with the need to hold a crop, to trail it over someone's body. To have control over someone's pleasure.

I take another drink instead.

The couple playing tonight has been together for six years. He knows his woman's wants and needs, just like I thought I knew Bella's.

I was clueless. My ignorance ruined everything, and now I get to torture myself for two hours as I watch other people have what I can't.

She used to say she was messed up, but she was stronger than I was.

I'm the broken one.

* * *

After the scene is over, I take another drink and get ready to leave. Some of the Doms nod at me in greeting while their subs scurry past me without making eye contact.

Once the area is cleared, only the staff and myself are left. Except for the woman sitting by herself at the other end of the room.

A woman who looks as if she's been there the entire evening, watching the same way I've been, holding a drink in her hand.

The lights are dimmed, but I would recognize her anywhere.

My feet are moving before I realize what's happening. When I reach her, she stands.

"Edward," she says. "I had a feeling you'd be here."

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	6. Chapter 6

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to GeekChic, Fran, and Mari.**

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**Chapter 6**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

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_Hi, little, black notebook. I know it's been two weeks. I'm sorry. I've just been so busy and tired. I'm okay, though. It's just different, you know? Having a job is different than wanting one. And it's way more different than college. God, working is hard. But again, I'm okay. And grateful._

_I did have a crisis last week. I know I should've written that sooner. The cause of my crisis? Edward freaking Cullen. I saw him, and he saw me, and we talked. Yes, an_ _actual exchange of words that would constitute as a conversation. I held my ground while we talked, but after he left, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and curl into a ball for more than fifteen minutes. _

_He's very… I don't know. He's something else, like something out of this world. He has green eyes and tousled bronzed hair, and he's tall and lean, and when he looked at me, it felt like fire. _

_He just wanted to give me a few welcoming words to the company, which was nice. We talked about the work I had done in my first week, and he congratulated me on it. His approval felt good, and I think that's what made me feel so bad afterwards. I don't want to want his approval. Or anyone else's either._

_But… I can't change my past, can I? I guess these things will always come to me, even in flashes. I talked to Dr. Medina about it and she says I shouldn't be so hard on myself or my reactions. That I had been through a lot. Same old, same old. I got angry and yelled at her, which is why I didn't write for two weeks. I thought I was punishing her if I didn't do what she told me to do. But in the end, I'm the one who needs you, aren't I? She's okay._

_I'm the one who's not._

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**Thanks for reading.**

**Sorry for the kind of late update.**


	7. Chapter 7

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to Mari and GeekChic for checking this chapter out.**

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**Chapter 7**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

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I'm more than aware that I'm not allowed to touch her anymore. Yet, I reach for her.

She steps away just a second before I reach for her hand in a move so graceful it hurts. Just as it is second nature to me to touch her, it's become second nature for her to avoid my touch.

I want to be upset, but I have no right. "What are you doing here?"

"A friend invited me," she says, swirling red wine in the glass she's been holding. Before my jealousy has time to bubble to the surface, she chuckles. "When I saw this place was so close to the office..." She shakes her head. "There was just no way you wouldn't be here, was there?"

I don't say anything.

"Anyway, it was a good scene, right?"

I can't breathe. "What?"

She stares at me as if I'm an alien. This whole encounter feels out of this world.

"My friends, Victoria and James? Their scene was good. Intense."

I narrow my eyes at her. "Those are your friends?"

She takes a sip of her wine and nods. Everything about her behavior screams condescending. She's regarding me like the moron I am. I deserve it.

There are a million questions in my head, fighting my self control. Since when does she drink red wine? Is her hair lighter? How is she?

None of those questions are mine to ask anymore.

"Bella," I say, defeated. "What are you doing here?"

She places her glass on the table behind her and takes her purse. The owner of my heart takes a deep breath and looks at me dead in the eye, no fear in her expression. "I came to watch."

I don't know if she realizes there's sex in her voice, arousal in her eyes. It gets me hard. I don't know who she is anymore, but this, I recognize. This is mine—ours.

Bathing in fake confidence, I step closer to her and delight in the way her breathing picks up. I can smell her perfume. It burns and revives me.

"And will you play?"

She shakes her head and inches closer to speak in my ear. "There's a ring on your finger now."

* * *

For the first time during our marriage, I arrive home at 3:00 AM.

Tanya's awake.

"I heard Isabella's back in town," she says after I've joined her in bed. For a moment, I consider denying it but realize there's no point.

I look at her, trying to see past the circles under her eyes and her dry skin, trying to see the person she used to be. "Where do you hear these things, T?"

She laughs, but the sound is more pain than mirth. "I know people."

She plays the "I'm dying" card to everyone until she gets what she wants, is what she means. "Right."

Silence falls between us, and I let myself enjoy it. Tanya's breathing is loud, as usual, and my heart skips a beat every time it falters.

When I think she's fallen asleep again, she speaks. "Don't cheat on me with her, Edward. Please."

She stares at me, begging me with her eyes. When she reaches for my hand, I let her, flinching when her cold wedding band brands me.

"I won't," I say, even if it feels as if I already am.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	8. Chapter 8

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to GeekChic, Fran, and Mari.**

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**Chapter 8**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

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_Hi. I have things to say, and I don't know where to start. I kissed Edward Cullen today. As you know, we have been running into each other constantly for the three months that I've been working at his company. What you don't know is that he's more handsome than I let on when I first wrote about him._

_He listens to me when we talk, and I feel warm inside when he looks at me, but I wrote that already, didn't I? The point is, I like him. And I don't want to like him, so I guess that's why I didn't tell you sooner about how I feel. But maybe I should have, because maybe reading about my stupid crush would have made me realize how foolish I was being, and I wouldn't have kissed him._

_He drove me home because it was raining harder than usual (stupid but blessed Seattle weather), and I was stranded at the company. When we got here, he told me he didn't want anything to happen to me. He leaned in, brushed my wet hair out of my face, and I kissed him. It was just a peck. I ran out of the car afterwards, but still. How am I supposed to face him now? How am I supposed to act casual in the halls and the cafeteria when I run into him again?_

_I'm an idiot. I enjoyed talking to him about the weather and his obsession with coffee. I know those conversations don't really matter. I don't think he goes home to write about it in his own kind of journal. Still, I think I just ruined those moments for us, and I'll miss them._

_By the way, I haven't had a panic attack in a while. Strange, I know._

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	9. Chapter 9

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to GeekChic, Fran, and Mari.**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

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Bella's back at the club the next night. She sits in a corner sipping her wine while I sit at the bar and devour my scotch.

I can't look away from her, not even when a couple of girls start playing in the middle of the room. She watches the entire scene as if it were the most fascinating movie. I watch as the dim light of the club makes love to her skin, touching her softly, making her glow.

When Lilac, the submissive, is finally granted permission to come, I watch as Bella crosses and uncrosses her legs. It makes me even more aware of the throbbing of my cock.

When the show's over, she gets up and starts walking to the door.

I follow her.

"Why are you here?" I ask, unable to stop myself.

She starts putting on her coat, ignoring me for what feels like forever. Once she's finished with the last button, she looks up at me.

"I told you why. I'm here to watch." She smiles, and I'm painfully reminded that I don't know her. The curve of her lips is different. This smile has an edge to it, which is unfamiliar.

She starts to walk again, but I stop her. I hear her loud intake of breath, before I realize I'm touching her. We both look down at my hand grabbing her arm for a few seconds before I let go. I clear my throat and fix my tie. She adjusts the bow of her coat and steps back.

"You know that's not what I mean. You're supposed to be in Spain." The anger in my voice catches me off guard. Pain hides behind different masks.

"Are _you_ supposed to be here? Does your new wife know where you are?" She looks down at my hand, noticing my wedding band. It stands out, and I wish I could hide it from her.

I take a step closer to her and breathe in.

She closes her eyes.

"Yes, she knows," I say, taking her in. When she opens her eyes, she looks at my mouth.

"And she's okay with that?" she asks.

I nod. "She understands I need to be here."

She places her hand on my chest. For the first time in a while, the icy burn inside me goes away.

"Then I'm sure you understand why I'm back," she says.

* * *

Angela wants me to give Bella the job opening for web project manager. It's the first thing she's said to me in months.

I would laugh if I weren't this pathetic.

I kick her out of my office before she can argue her reasons. She doesn't need to tell me how qualified Bella is for the position.

Everyone thinks Bella left the company because she found that job opportunity in Spain. They don't know she left because of me. They don't know I was the one who found her that job when she begged me to let her go.

When the scars she wore on her body stopped hurting as much as the ones I created on her heart.

When she said she couldn't do it anymore.

I breathe in as the memories of her pain feed my own heartache.

I breathe out with the hope it will stop hurting.

It never does, but I repeat the cycle.

* * *

"I'm done with work for the day," I say into the phone. Tanya hums.

"Are you going to the club tonight?" she asks.

"You know I am."

"Is she going to be there again?"

I sigh. This is the latest question we've added to our daily conversation. Ever since she heard Bella's back in Seattle, she asks me this. I still don't know how she knows about her presence in the club.

"I don't know, T," I say because I really don't. Bella has been at the club every night since she's been back, but I don't know how long that will last. We've exchanged a handful of words, loaded with sexual tension, that hasn't led us anywhere. Questions filled with old rage and the illusion of playing nice.

But I still don't know why she's back. I don't know why she's coming to the club to watch. And more importantly, I don't know if—when—she'll leave again.

"Be careful, Edward," Tanya says eventually.

"That's my line," I say. "Get some rest."

She laughs. "I will."

We hang up, and I follow with the next phase of my routine.

When I get to the club, Bella is taking her seat. She spots me and smiles.

Fuck.

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**Important A/N: I want to thank you all for being so patient with the pace of the story. Really, I am blessed to have so many wonderful people reading this.**


	10. Chapter 10

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to GeekChic, Mari, and Fran.**

**Sorry for the late update. I'll update a second chapter later today, to make up for it.**

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**Chapter 10**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hi, wanna-be-diary. It's been a week since I saw (and kissed) Edward. He's supposed to be away on a business trip, but I can't stop thinking that he ran away from me. Isn't that silly? As if me, a twenty-one-year-old, recently graduated, boring, brown-haired girl can intimidate an almost thirty-year-old, rich CEO, model-look-alike man. _

_I haven't been sleeping well this week, which would explain why my sentences probably aren't making sense to you. It's okay. I don't know what's what right now. Dr. Medina insists that it's all about my need for approval. She says I'm crushing on a powerful figure in order to feel powerful myself. Whatever. She uses doctor's words to tell me that my past is still fucking up my present._

_There's a guy at the company who keeps asking me out, but I keep turning him down. If we're being real here, it's because I want Edward to ask me. Not that round-faced kid. Ugh. Now I'm being mean. I need to get some sleep, but I don't want to take the meds. Meds suck. I'm sick of them._

_I wonder if Edward has had trouble sleeping this week. Not because of me, of course. I'm not that dense. But because of jet lag or something. It'd be nice to know if he's looking at the stars at the same time I'm looking at the sun._

_And…cue. I am not going to start writing poetry, okay?_

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**Thanks for reading. **

**Reminder: a new chapter will be posted later today to make up for the late update.**


	11. Chapter 11

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to GeekChic and Mari for checking this out.**

**As promised, tonight's second update. (Yes, there will be a regular update on Tuesday and on Friday this week)**

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**Chapter 11**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

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James is a hell of a Dom. He's confident and calm. He's patient. But there's an edge to him, something a bit darker, something honest.

Tonight, he's been keeping Victoria on the brink of orgasm for more than an hour and a half. Even with the darker-than-usual lighting, I can see the sweat on both of their skin. She's a mess of need and raw desire. Her voice is hoarse from pleading and crying out.

The air in the club is tense, waiting for the moment James will show mercy and let his sub come. If I've read him correctly, there won't be any mercy.

For the new people here, this is all for show. To them, James is just playing the crowd, prolonging the process to get a kick out of being watched. To me, it is what it is: punishment.

It's in the way he's holding the crop, tighter than usual, reminding himself not to strike too hard, fighting his instincts to make it hurt.

When the scene comes to a close, he has to carry Victoria out, while she holds on to him, crying and apologizing, promising to never disobey him again.

Behind them, Bella's standing up from her now usual seat.

I empty my drink for the fourth time tonight.

"She masturbated twice on the same day, even after he ordered her not to," Bella says when she reaches me, propping her arm on the bar. I face her.

"Rookie mistake. She should've known better," I say.

"Maybe he should've taught her better," she says.

"Talking that way about a Dom could get you into trouble. Don't be disrespectful," I say and start walking away from her.

"I'm not a sub anymore," she says, following me outside.

I whirl around. "Then what the fuck are you doing here, Bella?"

"I'm not a sub anymore," she repeats. "And I'm here to watch."

I close my eyes and shake my head. "Please. Stop it."

"Oh, how the roles have changed," she says and kisses my cheek before walking away.

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**Thanks for reading. See you next Tuesday.**


	12. Chapter 12

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to GeekChic and Mari for checking this out.**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hello, unnamed writing invention. I spent the night at Edward's apartment. I confronted him about leaving after I kissed him and not talking to me even after he returned. I was out of line, and when I apologized for my behavior, he grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me. It was a real kiss. Not a children's peck like the one I gave him, but a true kiss. He bit my lower lip and explored my mouth. He touched my breasts through my blouse and pushed his hips into mine. I had never felt the way I did yesterday in his office. Not even when I finally allowed my high school boyfriend Jacob to score on prom night._

_This wasn't a drunken experiment that ended with me sneaking out of his house and running until I threw up and my feet were bleeding. This was my heart beating hard and fast but my body itching for more._

_Edward Cullen kissed me, and my mind was finally silent. There was no screaming or second-guessing. And when he asked me to meet with him again at the end of the day, I was eager. Not scared. _

_He took me to his place and spent the night kissing me. I begged him to stop teasing me, but he just smiled. I begged him for more, but he wouldn't even undress me. I was the one who managed to get the both of us topless. Even then, he hugged me, and we slept. _

_I want to say he was a gentlemen, but to be honest, his decision not to fuck me felt more like punishment. It was as if he knew I wanted him so bad, and he was getting off on denying me. I don't know. I'm not Dr. Medina. She would know, but I won't ask her._

_Actually, I don't think she needs to know about this, right?_

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**Thanks for reading. And for the patience.**


	13. Chapter 13

**SM owns.**

**Thank you Mari and GeekChic for everything.**

**It's about to be my birthday in about an hour, so I thought I'd start celebrating by posting a bit early :)**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"Edward, I'm so scared," Tanya says with tears running down her face. She's so cold, shivering in my arms as I rock her back and forth, trying to calm her down.

"I know, T. I know." I kiss her forehead and shush her in a vain attempt to protect her from everything.

My arms don't know how to comfort. My hands know nothing of tenderness. This body was not made for love.

We're getting closer and closer to the end, the time limit on Tanya's life. The doctors were pretty clear when they said there was nothing they could do. Stage 4 melanoma with metastasis to her lungs and brain, 5% survival rate with aggressive chemo and numerous invasive surgeries that she refused. She just wanted peace.

The old scars on her wrists stand out now more than ever, and I remember being the only classmate who noticed them in college.

"Remember our freshman year? I tried to set you up with my friend Garrett," I say now, distracting her.

"Such a romantic," she whispers. I roll my eyes.

"You two were perfect for each other."

"Except for the part where we were both on a scholarship, and I needed to marry rich," she says.

"Yeah, except for that."

As I continue to rock her, her breathing evens out. She's skinny and weak, but she has the only living heart in this room.

"He was a good guy," she says, letting go of me to look me in the eyes.

I nod. "You still love him."

"And you still love her," she says.

I hug her again.

* * *

"Do you go home and tell your wife sex stories to get her in the mood to fuck?" Bella asks, sitting down next to me at the bar. There's no one on stage tonight. The club is practically empty.

I don't look at her. "Don't talk about my wife."

My dying wife, who's the only person who believes there's good in me.

My clueless wife, who thinks she tricked me into a marriage of convenience when I'm the one who's using her.

My hurt wife, who will never feel it was worth it to never cut too deep on her wrists.

My wife, my safest bet at redemption.

"Does she come here at all?" she asks.

I snort and close my eyes, trying to picture Tanya's perfect blonde hair, her icy blue eyes, her frail body, trapped in this place. The scared look on her face, the panic that being held by her wrists would bring to her.

"No, she doesn't."

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	14. Chapter 14

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to Mari and GeekChic for their help.**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_He said we shouldn't be together, but he won't tell me why. I threw a tantrum, which I don't think helped my case. I think he thinks I'm too young for him, __and_ _he told me I deserved kindness and gentleness. That I deserved better. And that's why he's wrong. He is kind. He is gentle. And I really don't think I can do better than Edward Cullen. That sounds unhealthy, I know. Dr. Medina says so. I had to talk to her because, after he asked me to leave him alone, I lost it._

_I was shaking so bad Angela thought I was having a seizure. Luckily, she was the only one who saw me like that. She managed to calm me down enough for me to tell her what to do. She drove me to Dr. Medina's office and gave me the afternoon off. I had a long session and yes, took some medication._

_I feel better now, but still… not good. I don't remember what good feels like, to be honest. I guess "good" was falling asleep in Edward's arms, but for some reason, a part of me doesn't want to admit that._

_I guess in the back of my mind, I know "good" shouldn't be defined by another person. But that's the only good I have, so that's the one I'm going to stick with for now._

* * *

**_Thanks for reading._**


	15. Chapter 15

**SM owns.**

**Thank you GeekChic. xo**

**Sorry for the late update.**

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

For the first time this week, I get out of bed and go to the club. Peter, my manager and bartender, has been calling nonstop. He wants me to help him figure out some administrative stuff tonight. To be honest, it's the only reason I'm going. I might be in pain, but I'm still a businessman. The office works well without me because there are a lot of people who can keep it going in my absence. It's not the same with the club, so when Peter calls for the fifteenth time that day, I get out of bed and go.

When I get there, the bouncer starts toward me with his arms outstretched until I glare at him. He backs off right before he can hug me. I don't need people to know I'm his boss.

It's still early, so the club is empty, even though it's Friday. I'm thankful for the weird calmness that settles over me. It's the most silent my mind has been this week.

"You look like crap," Bella says as soon as I sit down at the bar. It's a testament of how out of it I am that I didn't even realize she was already here.

I rest my head on my hands. "Not tonight," I say.

She sighs and stares at me for a moment. I can feel her eyes on me, and I wonder what she's thinking, but I don't risk looking at her.

My heart can't take it.

"Your wife contacted me last week," she says. "Did you know that?"

My spine goes rigid.

She laughs. "I guess you didn't. Don't worry. I didn't agree to meet up with her."

"Of course you didn't," I say, picturing a dying Tanya wasting her last breaths trying to convince a stranger to go visit her. Bella is not the sweet, over-eager, and nervous girl I used to know.

"Edward, why is your wife calling me to meet up with her? What did you tell her about me?" she asks, stepping closer. I can smell her perfume. I feel myself losing my grip on reality and getting lost on her presence.

She's here.

She's _right here_.

"Goddammit, I need a drink."

"Does she think I'm down for whatever fucked up game you two play in the bedroom?" she asks, closing the distance between us. Her chest is pressing against my side. I take a deep breath and continue to stare at the bottles in front of me. "Does she want me to spice up your sex life? Don't tell me your wife's frigid, Edward. Is that why you're here every night? Because you married a vanilla girl?"

The sound of my stool falling to the floor as I stand up doesn't drown out Bella's yelp when I grab her arms and shake her.

"She died last week, Bella! She's fucking dead."

The thought of Bella being the last person Tanya talked to on the phone drives me insane.

I don't realize I'm crying until she's wrapping her arms around me.

"It's okay," she says, but I know it's not.

"She's gone."

There's a noise inside my head that won't quit. My hands feel numb. My tears won't stop.

I'm addicted to my pain, so I hold on to grief and heartbreak.

People are coming in, and they stop and stare with pity in their eyes.

I tell them to go fuck themselves.

"Come on, Edward. Let me get you home," Bella says.

And then she takes me to her place. Her old place, where I tied her to a bed for the first time.

I look around and search for something familiar, something to ground me, but I don't find it.

This is a stranger's house, and I am an uninvited guest.

"Tanya left me," I say.

Just like Bella did.

I'm truly alone now.

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	16. Chapter 16

**SM owns.**

**Special thanks to GeekChic and Mari.**

**I know it's a slow process, but the answer's are coming.**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hi, blank page. Edward Cullen is a dominant, not a sadist, but… close to one. He likes to inflict pain on his partners during sex. Whips, canes, handcuffs, blindfolds, and gags are only a part of his accessories in the bedroom. And he told me I was a submissive, but that I couldn't be his. That he wouldn't "train" me and that he definitely wouldn't be my boyfriend._

_I've been reading and researching ever since we had that conversation three days ago. I think I want to give it a go. I know what pain is, and I'm not really a fan, but I think that if it comes from Edward's hands, it won't hurt as bad._

_I don't think it would hurt at all._

_Do you remember my first semester in college when I became obsessed with being the top student of all the courses I was taking? And when I got that B, I spent a week stalking my teacher to get him to give me a second chance to write an A+ essay? As I ran around campus day after day like a moron, I felt pathetic. And it helped me work on not being that girl again, even if I still felt the urge to be number one at any price._

_Chasing after Edward makes me feel like that freshman girl who sought out her teacher's approval. He refuses to show me what it's like to spend a night with him in the way he wants. He won't let me submit to him, even for a night, to see if I would like it._

_I think I would. And more importantly, I think I can take it. I'm not so fragile anymore. I'm not the scared nine-year-old girl who watched her mom bleed in front of her after my stepfather beat her near to death. I need to find a way to let Edward know that, but my reaction to his presence gets in the way of that._

_I can't act strong or tough when my insides feel like liquid when he looks at me. I can't form coherent sentences when my mind and my heart are remembering how his hands felt on my body. He pushes me away at every chance he gets, but I won't quit._

_If what I've been reading about BDSM is true, he might not want a girlfriend, but he does need a sub._

* * *

**Thank you for reading.**


	17. Chapter 17 (Reposted)

**SM owns.**

**Thank you Mari and GeekChic. xo**

**There was this mess with chapter 17, so I deleted and I'm posting it again. Enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 17**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

I wake up in a strange bed, and for a moment, I panic. Did I cheat on Tanya? Did I break my promise to her?

And then it hits me again. She's gone. There are no promises left to break. I should feel free, but my heart aches with the knowledge of her absence.

The pretend-saint in me misses her.

The sinner in me resents her. My shot at redemption is gone. How will I pay for what I've done?

"Edward?"

Bella's voice is a shot to my senses, making me jump out of bed in new-found fear. My heart beats wildly inside my chest, confusing me all over again.

Oh, God. Did I fuck Bella last night?

I meet her eyes and flinch. The pity on her face answers my question. Of course not.

No one would fuck a broken man.

"I'm sorry for startling you," she says, walking tentative steps toward me. "I brought you some breakfast. You need to eat."

I shake my head and lose my balance. I'm dizzy. My temples are throbbing.

She gives me a knowing look before placing the tray on a nearby table.

I take the chance to look around and check my surroundings, but the mirror hanging from a wall distracts me.

The reflection staring back at me is a stranger—a man with dark circles under his eyes and a crumpled white shirt that's too big on him.

"It's okay, Edward," Bella says, standing behind me, meeting my eyes in the mirror. I could blame the sudden brightness on the morning sun making its way inside the room, but I'm not an idiot. That light is all her.

"Look at me!" I say, disgusted at my darkness, at the tears that broke free without my permission.

"I am," she says, placing her hand on my back. "This is what grief looks like."

* * *

For the rest of the weekend, Bella makes me crash at her place. She forces food on me, forbids me to leave her tiny apartment, and even pushes me into the shower at some point.

I let her boss me around, clutching to her care like a homeless person who's just found shelter. Her gentleness humbles me and helps me forget who I am for a while, even if I can never forget who she is.

"Are you hungry?" Bella asks on Sunday night while I sit in her living room with the lights out. She's standing near the kitchen with a glass of water in her hands.

"No."

I can't see her, but I can feel her eyes on me, studying me.

"Tell me about her," she says, setting the glass down before moving closer to me.

"Nothing good will come of that. She won't wake up if I talk about her."

"You might feel better," she says.

For a moment, I consider letting my thoughts spill out and burdening her with them.

I clench my fists. "I won't."

She stands up and turns on the light. My eyes burn with the intrusion, and I glare at her.

"Then tell me something else, Edward," she says, crossing her arms in front of her.

For a second, I consider telling her the truth about my marriage—how Tanya came up to my office one day after years of no contact, telling me she needed help, that she was sick. I remember thinking helping her survive was my chance to make things right after the way I treated Bella.

I want to tell Bella that Tanya and I never even consummated our marriage, that I've been with only a handful of women since she left, and that I've been incapable of collaring another sub.

But she's standing here, breathing fire, looking nothing like the girl I used to know, and it's unsettling. It rattles me.

Her anger fuels my own, even if I know I have no right.

I meet her in the middle of the room, holding on to the illusion of strength.

"Have you forgotten your place?" I ask, grabbing her by the arms.

Instead of cowering away like she would've done in the past, she meets my eyes, defiant. There's more fight in her now than there ever was, and she was born with the gloves on.

"It seems you've forgotten yours," she says, looking at me with barely-hidden disgust.

I let her go.

"Why are you here, Bella? Why the fuck are you here?"

"Because your wife asked me to come back."

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	18. Chapter 18

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to Mari and GeekChic.**

**IMPORTANT: Make sure you read chapter 17. was a mess the other day, so probably some of you didn't get the notification with the last update.**

* * *

**Chapter 18**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hello, pen pal friend. I think I may have achieved something today. Angela told me I was one of the most efficient workers she's ever had, and that she mentioned it to her superiors, and her superiors to their superiors and well… apparently it reached Edward's ears. He called me into his office to congratulate me and inform me that, along with a small group of other employees, I would be getting a raise and some perks, like extra days off and the like._

_For a while, he was very formal and distant, and I managed to play along. What I didn't realize was that while I was looking down at the ground and replying, "Thank you, sir," to each one of his praises, he was getting a hard-on. _

_When he apparently couldn't take it anymore, he closed the distance between us in a flash, grabbed my arm, and asked me, "What game are you playing?" and "You think this is funny?"_

_I was shocked at watching him lose his cool, but then, I couldn't help it. I smiled. He squeezed my arm until it hurt, and then he pushed me away._

_Then, he said, "If I could punish you right now, you'd be begging me for mercy." So, because I'm learning, I replied with, "Whatever you say, sir," before walking away._

_Like I said, I think I accomplished something today._

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	19. Chapter 19

**SM owns.**

**Thank you GeekChic and Mari.**

**It's still Friday where I live. Sorry for the late update.**

* * *

**Chapter 19**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

Silence has a sound.

It sounds like shallow breaths that don't sustain your lungs. It sounds like suffocation.

It sounds like an empty chest where your heartbeats create echo from your pain.

Bella and I have been standing in silence for more than thirty minutes. It feels longer, but I know it's only been thirty minutes because the clock on the wall in front of me is working just fine. I've been glancing at it, waiting until she says something.

I won't speak first, but it's not because I'm hoping to win. It's because I have nothing to say. Words have never been my thing. They're hers and she's holding them all inside, torturing me, content with knowing she holds all the power.

I feel powerless standing in front of her, the same way I made her feel powerless all the times she kneeled for me. The difference is that this feeling is real; hers was a mindfuck—a BDSM trick.

Everyone knows the subs hold all the power.

Embracing that knowledge, I speak. "Why did she ask you to come back?"

"She said you needed me back, that you were going through something."

Bella isn't startled at the sound of my voice, answering my question with ease.

"When was this?" I ask, dropping my weight onto the couch, unable to hold my posture anymore.

"A few months ago."

I narrow my eyes at her. "And you came? Just like that? Because my sick wife asked you to come?"

She sits down on the floor and looks up at me. "I didn't know she was dying. She just mentioned there were rough times ahead, and that she knew I could help. I thought there was something wrong with you, that you were dying." She pauses and looks away from me before speaking again. "I didn't understand, but she… she sounded so hopeful that I could help. It took her three phone calls and a few emails before I was packing my bags."

I shake my head, letting tears run down my face.

Of course Tanya called Bella before she died. She wanted me to have someone. She didn't want me to be left alone.

"She was good at making people do what she wanted. Even before the cancer," I say, unsure why I'm still here.

Why am I not out the door and far away from this place?

Bella stares at me, anger and frustration clouding her face. "I thought you were dying," she says. "I thought you were dying, and all I could think of was seeing you again. After everything you did to me, I still wanted to just fucking see you."

"Bella, I'm..." I trail off, not knowing what to say.

"What did you tell her about us? What did you tell her about me?" she asks, wiping the tears that escaped her.

I sigh, running my hands through my hair, down my face, stalling.

"I told her I broke you," I say, thanking life for half-truths.

For a moment, I think we'll go silent for thirty minutes again. I stand up when she does, ready to do whatever she asks of me.

"You were wrong, Edward. What you did to me didn't break me," she says, looking at me in the eyes. "It destroyed me."

* * *

Silence has a sound.

It sounds like hope vanishing before it can be born.

It sounds like a slap across the face when you reach out to touch what's not yours to touch.

It sounds like Bella telling me to get the fuck out of her house.

* * *

**Thank you so incredibly much for sticking around.**


	20. Chapter 20

**SM owns.**

**Thank you GeekChic and Mari.**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hi, notebook with personal information. Edward came to my place last night, just after I had finished telling you about my day. When I asked him what he was doing here, he said he didn't know. The truth is, I believe he didn't know._

_I think he's struggling with resisting me. It feels… good. It gives me a high I have never experienced._

_He noticed the books I've bought about BDSM and mocked me for it. He did it out of spite. I could tell. Still, I cried because he was mean. And then he hugged me, and we kissed. _

_We kissed for a long time, before I got down on my knees. He tried to stop me but not really. In the end, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and fucked my mouth. After he was done, I asked him if he needed to hurt me._

"_I'm not a sadist," he said. _

"_I know," I said._

_And then I made a joke about how I had paid attention to my books, but that killed the mood. He stood up and asked me to let him go. To leave him alone._

_I don't know if I'll be able to do that, though. _

_He might not be a sadist, but I'm starting to believe I'm a masochist._

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	21. Chapter 21

**SM owns.**

**Thank you GeekChic for everything.**

**Sorry for the super late update.**

* * *

**Chapter 21 **

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

Riley Biers' phone number glares at me from my cell phone screen. I'm one touch away from talking to him and asking him for what I want. I'm one touch away from disrespecting her privacy again.

Sighing, I put my phone down. This week feels as if I've been doing the same day after day. I get up, get dressed, come to the office, work, and go back home. Except in between actions, I always find myself picking up my phone to call Mr. Biers, private investigator.

I haven't been at the club this week, and Bella hasn't been around the office again. I don't even know if she's still in town.

Resisting the urge to find out has been hard, and I feel close to the edge. I'm afraid if I go down the rabbit hole again, I won't find my way back. Tanya is gone, after all.

I pick up my phone just as Emmett walks in.

"It's time to leave, Mr. Cullen," he says, but the tone of his voice gives him away. He's protecting her, just as he always has.

"I wasn't going to call," I say, standing up. Liars like to defend themselves.

He stays silent.

"I could just ask you, right?"

"I'm not her friend anymore," he says. "I guess she wants to keep the past where it belongs."

A punch to my face would've hurt less. I took her away from him, too.

When Bella became my sub, Emmett was the only person in the scene she had as a friend. I introduced them at a party, while they kneeled side by side at Rosalie's and my feet.

They became close, and when she went away, he knew who was to blame.

"Then why is she back? People running from their past don't go back to it," I say, eyeing my phone and clutching my fist. Riley Biers could tell me everything there is to know about this new version of her, just like he helped me figure her out almost three years ago.

Emmett shrugs. "They do if they need closure."

This motherfucker.

* * *

After exhausting myself out with exercise and work on Saturday, I go to the cemetery in the afternoon. It's the first time I've been here since Tanya's death.

I sit on the ground and talk, pretending to be a better person. Even dead, I'm sure she knows I'm still using her to distract me—to keep me from going to the club, to keep me from making a phone call I'll regret.

"I'm sorry, T," I say when I'm done.

Wind doesn't blow on cue.

There are no signs here.

* * *

I give up on Sunday and go to the club, knowing it's usually a slow day. I drink at the bar, waiting to see if there'll be anyone doing a scene tonight.

Judging by the few amount of people here, I don't think so. As if to prove I don't know anything, the lights go out.

For a moment, I can't understand what's happening. I'm sure my mind is playing tricks on me.

But even if I don't know anything, I know that body. I know those curves and the length of that hair. I know the elegance of the person on the stage.

Bella.

She's tied to a chair in the middle of the room, a red light illuminating her.

There's no one touching her, but she's squirming in the seat. She whimpers in need, and the sound echoes off the walls and comes straight to me.

I know that sound.

It's the sound of too close to coming, but not close enough. Devouring the sight of her naked body with my eyes, I notice the toy plugged inside her.

That's what's torturing her. I look around, wondering who's controlling it, but another moan from her takes my focus elsewhere.

I don't know how much time the few people in the club and I sit staring at her as she chases her orgasm, but it feels like a lifetime. I'm desperate, craving her fall, selfishly needing her to come so I can enjoy it myself. And when that thought enters my mind, she cries out, but I don't see her, because just before she falls, the lights go out.

"Fuck."

* * *

"Biers, it's Cullen. I need a profile. Her name is Isabella Swan—yes, the same Isabella Swan. I want to know everything."

* * *

Thanks for reading.


	22. Chapter 22

**SM owns.**

**GeekChic and Mari make it better, but all mistakes are mine.**

**It's still Friday, right?**

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Remember when I said I was a masochist? Well, you know, last night. Turns out, I'm not. Don't ask me how I came to that conclusion, though. You don't want to know. Still, I've identified a few tendencies in my behavior that make me a suitable candidate to be a sub. His sub. _

_Dr. Medina said I had to go out on a date with someone else. That it didn't have to be Mike (the IT guy who's still at it), but that it had to be someone other than Edward. I told her the assignment was inappropriate, that she couldn't meddle in my love life. She laughed._

_Truth is, I know I should probably start moving on from Edward. I haven't even seen him since last night. We don't even have each other's phone numbers. At least, I don't think he has mine. But let's be real. Have I moved on from the fact that my mom chose her rebound boyfriend over me when I was 13? No. After both of us almost died at the hands of my stepfather, how could she leave her child with distant relatives to tour the country with a younger guy? _

_A part of me understands why she did it. I know that she went through her own trauma with my father and my stepfather, and finding that new shot at love felt too good to be true. I like to think that understanding her need for love is what has helped me live my life like a somewhat normal person. If you ignore the anxiety, the panic attacks, the abandonment issues, my past failed relationships, and the turmoil of emotions that threaten to overcome me every day, of course._

* * *

**_Thanks for reading. Happy 4th of July, USA people._**


	23. Chapter 23

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to GeekChic and Mari, for being awesome.**

**I like this chapter. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 23**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"Isabella Marie Swan, age 25," Bella says, walking into my office with a red folder in her hands. I stand up, confused.

"I have a BA in communication studies," she goes on, walking farther into the room. "I have been working as a communication projects manager for an international company based in Spain for the past two years, give or take. When I was nine years old, my stepfather stabbed my mom and pushed her off a flight of stairs in a drunken rage, but only after he had beaten me near to death." She drops the folder on top of my desk. "But you already knew that, didn't you? It's the first traumatic event in my life."

I say nothing. Shame and guilt consume me. The turmoil going on inside me goes unnoticed by her. She doesn't seem to care and starts her speech again.

"When I was thirteen, she got a new boyfriend, younger. He wanted to travel, so she sent me off to Arizona to live with my dad's sister, a woman I had never met because my dad left my mom before I was even born. Second traumatic event," she says with a bitter smile. "I started therapy when I was around fifteen years old, after I almost drowned in a public pool. Everyone thought I had tried to kill myself. You already knew that as well."

Each one of her words is a grain of salt in my open wounds. The weight of it all pushes me back down to my chair, defeated.

I eye the folder, wondering how she managed to get her hands on her file before Biers sent it to me. It feels like she's always two steps ahead of me lately.

"Okay, let's see," she says, sitting down in front of me. "When I was twenty, I fell in love with the owner of the company I worked for. I submitted to him. I did everything he wanted me to do. It didn't matter how hard it was. I did it, and I loved every second of it. I thought we would make it, but we never stood a chance. He made sure of it."

"Bella," I say her name like a prayer, begging for mercy. The monster in me kneels at the feet of this goddess.

"You see, my Dom had a thing for watching. He liked watching people have sex; he liked being watched. He wanted to watch me with someone else, but I safe-worded on him. And you know what he did? He made me choose between doing the scene with another Dom or getting punished. I chose the punishment, and well… you know how that turned out," she says, gesturing with her hands between us. "Sometimes, I think the bruises still hurt."

She's the collateral damage to the war I've been fighting against myself.

"I'm sorry," I say, a robotic response.

I remember that night with crystal clarity.

I had been getting restless about my relationship with Bella. I wanted her too much. She had too much power over me, and I got scared. So I started testing her, thinking she would leave at the first sign of trouble.

She didn't.

So I pulled out the big guns, knowing she had marked threesomes and public place sex as hard limits.

I will never forget the heartbroken look on her face when she saw my friend Max there. She seemed to want to do it, despite being afraid. Probably just to please me. And if I had been acting as a true Dom, I would've guided her through her fear. But I was acting as a coward, so I rejoiced in her weakness.

When I punished her, I could feel myself losing her with each mark I left on her body.

She asked me to get her a new job the very next day.

"I know you're sorry," Bella says now, mimicking the condescending look I gave her that night. "You're so sorry that you went and married a dying woman to make up for your guilt after I left. But Tanya was not me. She was fragile, already broken. You would've never found your redemption in her. I wasn't dying when I met you, Edward. I was learning to live, and you crushed me."

"You seem to be doing well," I say, unable to hide the bitterness in my voice. A small part of me hates that she's fine while I can barely function.

"Because I get naked at the club every Sunday night?" she asks, staring at me.

I look away and nod.

Bella laughs, and I wonder if she knows she could be a Domme if she wanted to.

"The saddest part is not that you've become weak, Edward, but that you've also become a fool. How can you not get it? Even what I'm doing for me is still somehow all about you. It all comes back to you. Always."

When she stands up to leave, I let her go and promise myself this will be the last time she leaves.

At least without a fight.

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	24. Chapter 24

**SM owns.**

**Thank you GeekChic for checking this out. **

**It got too late for Mari to revise this, and I wanted to update soon.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 24**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

_Hi, old writing device. Edward—I mean, Mr. Cullen—agreed to give me one night to prove to him I could be his sub. I was right. I passed the test with flying colors. I didn't even speak out of turn, which happens to be one of the most common mistakes for first-time subs, apart from coming without permission, of course. (It's so hard!) _

_That was a month ago, and we've done several things since then. I'm sorry. I should've told you sooner, but I just didn't know what to write. It's been kind of difficult to come to terms with the fact that, well, I'm enjoying everything we've done so far. His commands make my heart race in anticipation. His touch makes my skin ignite._

_On our first night together, he tied me to the bed, gagged and blindfolded, and tried different toys on me. He didn't talk much, but he did name everything he used before he used it. At first, it all felt very clinical, but it ended up with him making me come, so..._

_I'm not going to lie. Some of those toys hurt, but feeling his touch afterward… It was more than worth it... It was everything._

* * *

**_Thanks for reading._**


	25. Chapter 25

**Sorry for the mix-up! This is a re-post with the correct chapter. **

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to GeekChic and Mari.**

**Kind of important A/N at the end.**

* * *

**Chapter 25**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"I want Isabella Swan for the new opening as manager of digital content," I say to Angela Weber while she tries to hide her smile.

"I'll call her today, Mr. Cullen," she says before walking out.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about the things Bella said when she came to my office last week. I also haven't been able to forget about her little scene at the club. The sound of her orgasm echoes in the back of my head, day in and day out.

My imagination is not good enough for me to picture her. The complete darkness that surrounded her while she came is like a censor to my thoughts. I can't see past it. It's frustrating, which is why I'm trying to light a candle.

And I don't care if I get burned.

* * *

"You want me back working for you? Have you lost your mind?" Bella asks when I settle into my usual spot at the bar.

For the first time in a while, I smile. "Yes, I do. And no, I haven't."

"You have to be crazy to believe I'll ever work for you again," she says. Her eyes are bright with fury.

I smirk. "You already are."

She frowns. "What?"

"Each time you've gotten naked on that stage, you've been making money for me." Her frown deepens. "I own this club."

If it weren't for the low volume of the music, and if I wasn't so close to her, I wouldn't be able to hear the little surprised gasp that escapes her.

She shakes her head in disbelief.

"I bought it after you left," I tell her.

"Seems like you did a lot of things after I left," she says, trying to mask her shock.

I stand up and look down at her. "Not nearly as much as you did while you were gone."

She straightens her posture and looks me in the eyes. The little girl I met a few years ago would've cowered under my gaze, but not this woman.

This woman stands tall, walks with confident steps, and defies me at every turn. It makes me want to see her kneel before me even more.

"Are you mad I survived without you?" she asks.

"No," I say. "I'm mad that you had to."

* * *

For the next few months, I throw myself into work, which is a nice way of saying I start chasing new projects like a madman. Bella refuses each and every offer Angela and I make to her, no matter how hard I work to make the most appealing job offer there is.

If Angela finds strange my sudden and intense interest for having Bella back, she doesn't let on.

Emmett's another story.

"I know what you're doing," he says for what feels like the hundredth time, when I arrive to the office an hour early for the third time this week.

"I don't know what you're talking about." My line has been the same since the moment he started asking, and so far, he's let me get away with it.

Today, he stands in front of me with a defiant look on his face. I can tell I've reached the end of his patience for mind games. "She doesn't want to come back," he says. His blue eyes are alive with a fierce protectiveness I both loathe and admire.

If only I had had that look when it all started. If only I had protected her from myself.

"She doesn't _need_ to come back," I correct. "But want is a different matter."

"I don't get why you're so confident she'll give in," he says. I flinch when his look changes into one of pity. He thinks I'm a lost cause.

But I know something he doesn't, and I clutch to that bit of power like a starving man.

I walk past him with confident steps and turn to look at him over my shoulder. "She still goes to the club," I tell him, watching with sick satisfaction as the shock takes over his face. "She's on stage every Sunday night." He opens and closes his mouth, speechless. I smirk. "And when she comes, she comes for me."

* * *

**Soooo, since you guys are awesome, A Sinner's Grace was voted Favorite Fic Dive story for June over at ADF! So now, you can also vote for it Fic Dive Story of the Year poll. You can go to A Different Forest dot net to find the link to vote. It's listed as "Sinner's Grace", so be on the look out.**

**Thanks for reading. xo**


	26. Chapter 26

**SM owns.**

**Thank you GeekChic for everything you've done. **

**Mari's internet has been crazy so she didn't revise this, but I wanted to update "on time", so here we go.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 26**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hello, old writing thing. Today, I've been Edward Cullen's sub for six months. It's been quite a ride. I know I've kept most of the details out, but I'm scared of people finding out about the stuff Edward and I have done. _

_We've done… a lot. From erotic spanking that leaves me on the edge of coming, to being whipped and flogged to tears. I've discovered I like the pain almost as much as I like the pleasure. At some point, the lines between the two get so blurred, I don't even realize which one's which. It's as scary as it is liberating._

_When I'm with Edward, kneeling before him, waiting for his commands, when I'm tied up at his mercy, when I'm taking or giving him pleasure… nothing else exists. Not my past, not my anxiety, not my thoughts running a thousand miles a minute. When I'm submitting to Edward, I'm free._

_The best part about our scenes is the aftercare. Edward is as gentle with me when we're finished as he is ruthless while we're at it. He makes sure I'm okay, that I'm not hurt. He kisses my bruises better, and I feel like his most prized possession… for a while._

_Then, he pulls away, almost always abruptly, as if he's been burned—as if he realizes he's being too soft and regrets it. When he puts that distance between us, I'm left feeling empty. I've tried to hide how much it affects me, but he's smart. I think he knows I'm left wanting more. The thing is, I think he wants more too. I wish I knew why he's depriving both of us._

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	27. Chapter 27

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to GeekChic and Mari, as usual.**

**I'm sorry for the missed updates.**

* * *

**Chapter 27 **

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

When my Mom died, I was 14 years old. It was a hard time, but it's not like I grew up without a mother. She took care of me in the most fragile moments of my life and taught me how to do most of the essentials. Still, adolescence is a hard time for human beings. It's easy to be too sensitive to change. Being left with my father—a cold man who didn't believe in grand gestures or displays of affection—shaped me into a lot of who I grew up to be.

Sometimes I wonder, if he hadn't been like he was, if he hadn't expected me to be as unshakable as he was when it came to feelings, maybe I would've grown up to be a better person—a man who would've been good for Bella. Maybe when I started to fall for her, I would've held on to her instead of pushing her away. It's easier to think that than to admit I was born with the inability to love.

After marrying Tanya, she made me tell her about Bella—about why I was still single. And then she made me go to a therapist. I used to tell her I did it because she was relentless and dying, but to be honest, I did it because I was desperate.

I still am.

He used to say I had to open channels of communication that could lead to forgiveness.

It's with those words in mind that I find myself standing in front of Bella's place, after knocking on her door for the second time.

For a moment, I think she's not here, or worse, that she's here but won't open the door. Just before I'm about to knock again, she does.

"Edward?"

"Hi," I say, feeling out of place.

Instead of asking the obvious question of what I'm doing here, she steps out and closes the door behind her. "I'm not working for you again," she says, crossing her arms. It makes me notice the tightness of the cotton shirt she's wearing.

I shake my head. "That's not why I'm here."

She arches her eyebrow. "Why are you?"

"I never got the chance to say thank you—for the other night. So, thank you for looking after me when Tanya..." I trail off, unprepared for the wave of pain that covers me. The mix of guilt and shame inside me revolves around my guts until I feel like throwing up. I swallow.

I've become so used to Bella's hard expression that it's only now, that her eyes soften, that I'm reminded that's not who she is. "You're welcome," she says. "I'm sorry about your loss."

"I don't deserve that," I say, shaking my head. "We both know it."

"Then why come at all?" she asks, and even though her voice is even, I feel anger rolling off of her. Frustration, maybe.

"Why did you?" I say, changing course to avoid admitting that I'm _hoping_ for actual forgiveness.

She looks away from me, and I take the chance to search her face. There are tears welling up, and she's breathing through them, trying not to let them fall. When she looks back to me, her eyes aren't glassy anymore.

_Submissive_, my head screams. Her self control makes my mouth water with the need to test it.

"I thought maybe it was time to get some closure."

I flinch, remembering Emmett's words from the other day. "I don't think I'm ready for that," I say, aware that I'm in no position to demand anything. "But if that's what you want, maybe we should talk."

She stares at me for a few minutes, unflinching, and I feel scrutinized under her gaze.

"Why would you be willing to talk? Why now?" she asks eventually.

"I've realized that I have to open channels of communication that could lead to forgiveness," I say, sticking to the truth.

"You've been seeing a therapist, huh?"

"How did you—"

"I've been going to a shrink for years, Edward," she says with a smile. It's the most beautiful thing I've seen in years.

I chuckle, feeding off of her sudden lightness. "Right."

"It was about time," she says.

And then she opens the door.

* * *

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	28. Chapter 28

**SM owns.**

**Mari and GeekChic are amazing. **

* * *

**Chapter 28**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Hello, writing thing. It's been a tough couple of days. I found out Edward knows all about my past. Apparently, he had someone investigate me when I started to gain momentum at work. He told me knowing about my past was actually one of the reasons he tried to stay away from me at first. _

_I asked him what made him change his mind, and he said, "I think in the end, I decided that if you'd been through all of that, you could take anything." Maybe he's right. Maybe I can survive anything life can throw at me because, chances are, I've already had it worse._

_To be honest, I don't know how I feel about Edward knowing all those things about me, when I don't know much about him. It makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, like my skin has been scrubbed raw. Then again, Edward has already seen me at my most unguarded moments. There's not much I can hide from him now._

_He's been distant these last couple of weeks. The scenes are getting shorter and less elaborate_—_more to the point of the physical aspect, and less about the mental challenges that come with being his sub. I don't know if I should ask him if something's wrong. I can trick myself into believing he'll tell me, but the truth is I'm not so sure. _

_We're supposed to have a scene tomorrow night, so I'm just going to wait and see. Maybe it's all in my head._

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	29. Chapter 29

**SM owns.**

**Mari and GeekChic are love.**

**Sorry for missing the last update. Excuses, excuses...**

* * *

**Chapter 29**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"How do we start?" I ask, once Bella allows me inside. My eyes tear up when I smell the comforting scent in the air. It's a relief to know she's let me inside her home again.

"You said you came to say thank you," she says, eyeing me with suspicion. "What else did you want to say?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." She looks at me, letting me know I can go on. I clear my throat. "What I did was unbelievably stupid. I know I should've handled things better, and I hope you can forgive me someday."

My vague words feel inadequate to my ears, but they're inclusive of all my past sins.

She crosses her arms in front of her chest. "That's it?"

I sigh. "I don't know what else to say."

I don't think there are words good enough to explain, to repent. Nothing I do or say will ever be enough to wash away the dirt of my actions.

"How about something honest?" she asks. "Something raw?"

"Bella."

She shakes her head. "That day in my living room, when Tanya died, that was real. That was the most vulnerable I've ever seen you. If you want me to forgive you, give me that."

Her eyes are bright with passion, alive with the earnest tone of her voice. It makes me happy to know this is who she is, despite all the dark places she's known.

"That day in your living room was ugly. I don't want you to see that," I say, fidgeting with the sleeves of my shirt.

"You know the ugliest parts of me, the sides I've been hiding from everyone."

I narrow my eyes at her. "Not because you showed them to me. I had to go to Biers to know you. When you first started working for me, I couldn't understand you."

"Why not? I lay myself down at your feet."

If I weren't so attuned to her body, I would've missed the way she inched closer to me. But she's the sun my world orbits around. Of course I noticed.

"You were this incredibly naïve, young girl, willing to let me have her, begging me to devour her innocence. There wasn't anything understandable about that. Why were you so ready to be with me?"

"Is that what it comes down to? That you don't know why I fell for you?" Her voice is gentle enough to make me sick to my stomach. Her kindness is always needed yet not always well-received.

What does a sinner do in front of so much grace?

"You're too good for me," I say, unable to hold back those words.

"I used to think that about you," she says with a small smile. "But that's not healthy, you know? You're not better than me, just like I'm not better than you. We're humans, equally flawed, equally broken."

I move without realizing it. When she doesn't step back, I inch even closer.

"You're flawless to me," I say, raising my hand to move her hair away from her face. She takes a sharp intake of breath. "You're the strongest person I know."

"Why did you hurt me, Edward?" she asks, touching the buttons of my shirt before grabbing the hand lingering on her cheek. There are tears in her eyes.

"Because I wanted to push you away," I say, dropping my forehead to touch hers.

"And now?"

"Now… I wish you had never left."

In a second, she steps away from my touch, putting as much distance between us as she can. "You should go now, Edward."

* * *

The day after my talk with Bella, I feel lighter than I've ever been in my life. I catch myself smiling, remembering how her skin felt under my fingertips, how her breath warmed my face.

Just a taste. All I had was a taste of her proximity, but to a dying man, a drop of water feels like the ocean.

I spend the working day in a haze, floating around the office, wondering what the next step is, begging life for a sign of what to do now.

When I get home that night, I realize someone might've been listening to my pleas.

There's a letter on my front porch. It reads:

_For: Edward. _

_From: Tanya._

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	30. Chapter 30

**SM owns.**

**GeekChic and Mari are rockstars.**

**This is the last diary entry of the story. The next chapters will all be told in present EPOV.**

* * *

**Chapter 30**

**Past**

**Bella's diary entry**

* * *

_Dear diary… Today is the day I realize there's something inherently wrong with me. You probably know this already, since I'm the stupid, silly girl who's been writing for years on a piece of paper without wanting to admit things for what they are. A dairy. A journal. This is what you are. The white and black leathered thing I come talk to because I have nothing else. No one else. Because the only person who listens to me, I have to pay for her to do so. Because the same person who receives my money every week asked me to write my thoughts instead of maybe calling her, 'cause she too gets sick of my shit._

_Because the only person who was willing to fuck me only was able to do it while physically hurting me. Being loved is not something I was born for, apparently. Maybe it's time I gave up on wanting to feel that._

_Edward Cullen punished me last night for not wanting to scene with one of his other Dom friends. I cried and screamed and thrashed as he whipped my back for what felt like hours. He only stopped when I used my safeword. I asked him to get me a job far away from him, because we had agreed he would do that when working and submitting to him became too much._

_I'm on a plane to Spain right now, and while my tears are blurring every word I've written today, I'll tell you what hurts the most. The worst part is that I love him. The worst part is that I'm already missing him. The worst part is that, before I sat down to write, I researched for the BDSM scene in Spain because… I'm in this. Because I learned why sex had never worked for me before. Because submitting feels like a part of me that had been sleeping and it's now awake and hungry. _

_The worst part is that while I never want to feel like Edward made me feel again, I would give everything for another night with him._

* * *

**_Thanks for reading._**

**_Reminder, this is the last diary entry. Following chapters will be present EPOV only._**


	31. Chapter 31

**SM owns.**

**Geekchic and Mari, thank you of going crazy about this chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter 31 **

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

_Edward,_

_By the time you're reading this letter, I'll probably be long gone. Or maybe not so long, if God continues to shed His mercy on my soul. Maybe I'll still be alive, in which case this letter will inspire some awkward conversation, but oh well…_

_I wrote to Isabella Swan a few days ago, asking her to come back. Don't ask me how I got her address. I have my ways. As we both know, no matter how much faith I have in my God, I'll be dying soon. I don't want you to face this alone. Not because you'll be losing me as your wife, but because you'll be losing the one true friend you have at this moment. I know your mother's death is still an issue that doesn't allow you to deal with losses well, and I'm afraid my death can trigger something in you that could end badly. _

_I know you're in love with Isabella. She's the only woman you've ever been in love with, and the constant of your love for her is the reason I believe there's good in you, regardless of how many times you tell me otherwise, or how much guilt you carry. I know your story, Edward. You lost your mother at a young age, and it made you grow up to be cynical. Your father's approval became the only thing that mattered to you, and he died without letting you know if you had it. And then you discovered a world where sex is so intertwined with pain, that you're set to believe that love has to be the same._

_You're a good person, but you're scared. You've been scared of love and of letting people in your whole life. Isabella got in and stayed, which scared you even more. I know you hurt her, because sometimes that's what we do when we're scared, but I think you need to face this fear and try again. Ask her forgiveness, win her back, love her, and let her love you. _

_I hope she accepts my vague request to come back. I heard she's single, so I think you're good to go there. If she comes back while I'm alive, I'll try to meet her. I can make a good case for you. I just hope you'll be able to wait until you're a free man to start fresh. Although our marriage is a platonic arrangement, I wouldn't want you to taint this second chance with Isabella by making her the other woman. She deserves to be the only woman, like she's always been. Be patient._

_I believe she's the only person who will be able to keep you from drowning. Not because she'll save you, but because she'll motivate you to save yourself. True love works like that._

_With love, Tanya._

* * *

Tanya's letter sits on my desk, creased from all the times I've refolded it. It's been two days since I got it, and I think I've read it a thousand times already. I'm sure I can quote it word for word.

I haven't gone to the office, and I've tortured myself with her letter and the memories of my moments with Bella—both the past ones and the most recent ones.

My heart continues to beat, though, no matter how many times I push myself to bruise it beyond repair.

I understand Tanya's intention with the letter. I get what she's saying, but I can't help but think she's wrong. The fact she's gone doesn't mean I agree with her.

I'm not a good person.

My love for Bella is tainted, smudged with the dirtiness of my insides.

I hurt her, and I'm not deserving of a second chance. Yet I can't help but want it.

This is the fight I've been having with myself for the past two days. At the end, my selfish ways win, and I find myself at Bella's doorstep once again.

Only this time, she's not the one who opens the door.

* * *

If I could transport myself back in time, I would go back to the night I asked Bella to submit to another Dom. I would stop myself from making that request in the first place, and I would choose a different limit to push, a different scene to play.

I wouldn't even decide to go back to the times either of my parents' died. I can't stop death, but I would stop myself from asking Max, my friend, to go to my place.

If I had done that, maybe seeing him now opening the door of Bella's apartment wearing only pajama pants wouldn't hurt as much.

"Edward?" he asks, confused. As if I'm the one who shouldn't be here.

Before I speak, Bella appears behind him, wearing the obvious flush of someone who was just in the throes of passion.

I lock my eyes with hers, begging her to say reassuring words I have no right to expect.

"How long?" I manage to ask when the silence stretches between the three of us. "How long have you two been together?"

Max shakes his head. "We're not together."

I look at Bella, searching for some type of remorse. Instead, I'm met with defiance.

"Then what is this?" I ask her.

"You wanted me to fuck him," she says, never looking away from me. "So I did."

Check. Mate.

* * *

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	32. Chapter 32

**SM owns.**

**Thank you to GeekChic and Mari. Love you. xo**

* * *

**C****hapter 32**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"Bella," I say, but my voice sounds distant to my own ears.

Max looks between us and nods to the door. "I'll leave you two alone."

I stay looking at his back until he disappears inside. Bella steps closer to me, and I stagger back, almost falling.

It feels as if the ground has been moved from beneath my feet. When I look at her, she arches her eyebrow, expecting me to say something.

When she flips her hair, exposing the redness of her neck, I realize she wants my fury. She needs my fists swinging so that she can justify her actions.

But anger is the last thing I have left in me.

"Does it count if you didn't get to watch? Or should I fuck him again just to prove the point?" she asks, digging the knife further inside.

I don't realize I'm crying until a sob breaks out of me when I try to speak. Breathing through the pain, welcoming it inside, I manage to find my voice. "I think you've proven it. Are you proud?"

"I think you're the one who should be proud," she says with a smile.

"Because you learned from me?" I ask. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand, aware that I must look pathetic.

She nods. "Physical pain is fleeting, momentary. Even weak men can take it. Emotional bruises are the ones that scar. And when it comes to those, when it comes to inflicting that kind of pain, Edward, you are a master."

"You win," I say. "You've left your marks deep down inside me, and I'm sure they won't stop bleeding."

"If it makes you feel any better, I have only fucked him once," she says.

I allow my tears to run free down my face. I mourn her innocence and hate that I can see myself in her.

"Once was enough."

* * *

Max calls me nonstop for the rest of the day. I'm tempted to answer the phone just to get him to stop. Does he think he owes me an apology?

He made it pretty clear that he wasn't on board with what I did to Bella. He took her side, as any sane person would.

I hadn't even seen him since the night Bella left me. When he realized Bella wasn't ready to be with him, when he saw I was pushing her into something she didn't want to do, he called me a disgrace and left.

If he had stayed for the actual punishment, I think he would've stopped me.

A part of me is angry that he didn't stay that night, but I can't blame him for not being there.

It wasn't his job to save her. It was mine, and I failed.

* * *

For the remainder of the week, I throw myself into closing pending deals and selling the club. My pain drives me to discard everything around me, from clients to clothing.

The only constants left in me are my love and my hate, my sadness and my disappointments.

I think I'm getting away with erasing everything around me, until Emmett confronts me one night.

"What happened?" he asks me, while I throw away old contracts.

"Nothing," I say.

He walks farther into the room and crosses his arm. "You sold the club."

I nod.

"Where's Bella?" he asks. I flinch.

"I don't know. Fucking someone, probably."

"If she moved on, you need to accept it," he says, as if he has a fucking clue.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"I think I know enough. Let it go."

Maybe it's the nonchalant way he says it, or the turmoil going on inside me, but Emmett's words flip a switch, and the numbness I've been trying to hold on to disappears.

I throw myself at him, punching his face with as much strength as I can, knocking us down.

The crack that echoes between us is satisfying. It takes a moment, but he catches up to my fury and starts punching back.

My ribs take the worst of it, but the ringing in my head lets me know he managed to punch my jaw. I spit blood to the carpet and get back to my feet.

"Edward, stop," he grunts, blocking my next hit.

"I can't fucking stop," I say, tackling him to the ground again. He loses his balance, and I take advantage of it, punching him several times in a row.

"I can't fucking stop," I say, again and again, realizing how true it is.

When the sobs wracking my body weaken me, I collapse to the floor.

What the fuck have I done?

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	33. Chapter 33

**SM owns.**

**GeekChic &amp; Mari are flawless.**

* * *

**Chapter 33**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

My head hurts, and I can't keep my eyes open. It's too bright in here... wherever here is.

There's a sense of heaviness in my body. With a lot of effort, I realize I'm lying down on a bed—a hospital bed.

The memories of my fight with Emmett wash over me. Fuck.

It's even more painful, when I focus my eyes on the person sitting in front of me: Bella.

"How are you feeling?" she asks. I want to ask her what she's doing here or how she found out, but I realize that's not important.

Her being here is the only thing that matters.

"I don't know," I say. "I can't compare it to anything." It feels as if my words weigh on my tongue, and my throat is dry. I eye the water next to the bed.

"Now you know how I felt," Bella says. For a moment, I think she won't give me the water, but then she sighs and helps me drink it.

"I don't think it's the same," I say, feeling a million times better already. "You could put a bullet through my chest, and it wouldn't make it equal."

I'm not even trying to sound self-deprecating. It's never going to be the same. I might have been feeling like shit for a week, but I'm not insensitive enough to think that my feelings can compare to the pain I caused her.

"It was never meant to be like this," she says with tears running down her face. At first, her crying is silent, but it grows into something heartbreaking to see. Her sobs are like a whole new punch in my already cracked ribs.

"I don't know how to undo things," I tell her. It's hard for me to sit up, but I try to anyway, if only to feel closer to her. "I don't know how to fix things. I thought apologizing was the first step."

She nods. "It was. I… pushed you away."

I shake my head. "I didn't try hard enough."

We take a moment to let the acknowledgement of our actions sink in. It's the first time we've done it, and it feels good.

She stops crying, and I take the opportunity to speak again. "How did you know I was coming to your place? Did you time it?"

"I wasn't expecting you," she says, shaking her head. "I was going to make sure you found out one way or another, but it wasn't supposed to go that way."

I can't help the sound of disgust that escapes me. "I hate that I made you into this."

She sits up straight, emotions burning in her eyes. "Into what?"

"This manipulative, conniving person. This isn't who you are. You used to be a ball of light, filled with carefree energy, like a bruised puppy who kept playing around even after it had been beaten up by life."

It's her time to groan. "Trying to exude light when all you've known is darkness is exhausting," she says. "That's why I felt so at ease submitting to you. I had a way of letting all of my darkness out in a safe place. You made me feel safe. When you..."

"Yes?"

She takes a deep breath before continuing. "When you did what you did, I hated you for taking that safety away from me, for betraying my trust."

"I hate myself for it. I was just..." I trail off, unable to fit words inside my mouth. My heart is screaming inside my chest, thumping away, reminding me it's still there.

"Tell me," Bella says. "We're talking."

"I feel like I've been trying to make excuses for what happened. But I have none. The fact is, I panicked, you disrupted my entire life, and I didn't know how to handle things. The whole thing with Max got out of hand. I thought I wanted to try forcing you to do it so I could have an excuse to let you go when you refused. Except, when you didn't do it, I just wasn't ready to let you go."

"I slept with Max because I wanted to hurt you, but I also wanted to feel close to you. That's why I went to the club; that's why I kept hanging around. That's why—" She stops herself.

"That's why what? You said we were talking."

She locks her eyes with mine, and I can identify the shame in them, the regret.

"That's why I didn't safeword sooner during the punishment," she says.

"To stay close to me?" I whisper.

"I wanted to prolong the inevitable," she says, lowering her eyes.

"Are you leaving?" I ask, when the silence stretches for too long.

"It's for the best, yes."

I nod.

We stay in silence for a moment longer. Only the sound of her crying is filling the room. It mixes inside my head with the ringing in my ears.

When she composes herself again, Bella stands up and walks over to me. She runs her fingers through my hair as if I'm a child. I surrender to the sensation. Then she touches the bruises on my face, before running her finger over my lips.

I stay still, looking at her, admiring her beauty and the openness that remains.

She kisses my cheek, then my lips.

"Goodbye, Edward," she says.

And then she leaves me alone.

* * *

Thanks for reading.


	34. Chapter 34

**SM owns.**

**Thank you so much to Mari and GeekChic. **

**I wanted Friday to get here so bad, that I decided to post this early. Enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 34**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

The hospital doesn't release me until I get cleared by a psychiatrist. I guess I deserve that. My behavior does scream sociopath.

And they don't even know my whole story.

It turns out my ribs weren't as bad as I thought they'd be, so I can go home to rest and lick my wounds alone.

A doctor named Wilson-something grilled me about the motives of my fight with Emmett until I managed to convince him it was a misunderstanding between coworkers.

_No, I had never thought about killing someone._

_No, I don't have suicidal thoughts. _

_Yes, I'm aware that I took it too far._

_No, it's not about my dead wife. Or mother. Or father._

When he asked me if I was depressed, it took me a fraction longer to answer than the other questions. Saying no felt like a bitter lie, but saying yes sounded like a weak excuse.

Am I depressed? I don't know. I refuse to dwell on that.

The police interrogation ended faster because Emmett refused to press charges. Right now, I'm waiting for him outside so my driver can take us home.

It's been two days since I last saw Bella and, for some reason, it's been harder than the first time she left. Maybe it's because, this time, I wasn't trying to lose her, but I did anyway. Maybe it's because now I have to really come to terms with the fact that even when I'm trying, I don't know how to be good for her.

"I'm ready," Emmett says, walking into my line of sight.

I sigh, taking a look at the stitches on his left eyebrow and the cast he wears on his right arm. Apparently, it fractured at some point when I landed on him.

"It's a miracle you didn't put my ass in jail," I say.

He actually smiles. "You deserve it."

"I think therapy would be better," I say, and he chuckles.

It feels light for a moment, as if we're too teammates who got carried away, and after battling things out like cavemen, can put the past behind them.

But the mood changes again in a second, because that's not who we are, and my past actions are a black cloud that follows me constantly.

We get in the backseat, each of us groaning with our physical pain.

For a moment, we ride in silence, but the words bubble up and explode out of me before I can stop them. "She slept with Max."

Emmett gives me a look before laughing. "I'm sorry, but you have to admit it's funny. The irony..."

I nod.

"Is that what this is about?" he asks, gesturing to our mangled bodies.

I press my hands to my temples. "Fuck, I don't know. I feel so fucking lost."

"I think therapy is not a bad idea," he says. "I can't help you, Edward. Things are fucked up with your life."

"How did you move on from Rosalie?" I ask, thinking of the connection he shared with his mistress. I got to see them in action, and it was as beautiful as it was disturbing. The adoration in their eyes, their willingness to take anything for each other. It looked too divine to be fit for mortals.

He shakes his head. "I haven't. She's everywhere—in my lungs when I breathe, in my heart when it beats, in my head when I close my eyes."

"It's only been a year," I say.

"Is that what you tell yourself? You're measuring how you feel by how much time has passed? Because it doesn't work that way."

"No, it doesn't."

* * *

After I'm settled in my bedroom, there's a knock on my front door. I'm tempted to let whoever's out there get tired of waiting and leave.

But a flicker of hope makes me stand up and walk toward the entrance.

I'm disappointed when I see Max in front of me.

"Don't close the door," he says when I groan.

He steps inside before I can stop him, my bruised body making my movements too slow.

"Listen, Max," I start, ready to tell him he doesn't need to be here. Whatever he has to say doesn't matter. But he doesn't let me get a word in.

"No, you listen. I don't know what has been going on with you since I last saw you. Obviously nothing good, but I wanted to clear something up."

I don't say anything and wait for him to continue.

"You fucked up what you had with Bella, and I've always regretted the part I played in it."

"And that's why you slept with her?" I ask without meaning to. I'm too tired for another fight.

"I won't apologize to you, but I wanted you to know I didn't seek her out. She came to me, and I accepted her request. I knew she was using me. I only agreed to it because while I may not owe anything to you, I've always felt like I owed her something."

"Thanks for telling me," I say. "You can show yourself out."

He nods and speaks while he tries to find something inside his pocket. "For the sake of the BDSM community, I hope you're not playing with anyone. I know you have a club..." He trails off, and takes out a white card from his wallet.

I don't bother correcting him about the club.

"You really did a number on that girl, but from the looks of it, she did something to you too. Get some help," he says and hands me the card.

He leaves without either of us saying another word. When I look down at the card and read the words scribbled on it, I have to laugh.

_Dr. Kate Medina._

Isn't my life a fucking joke?

* * *

**Thanks for reading. **


	35. Chapter 35

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to Mari and GeekChic!**

**Sorry for the missed updates. Is being on the final quarter of getting my master's degree excuse enough?**

* * *

**Chapter 35**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"What brings you here, Edward?" Dr. Medina asks when I sit down.

I breathe in, concentrating on the diplomas hanging above her head.

"I think I need help," I say. My ribs don't hurt anymore, but I search for the phantom pain of it to keep me focused.

"Okay," she says. "I'm glad you've decided to ask for the help you need. It's a brave thing to do."

As soon as the words are out her mouth, I snap. "It's not brave. I'm too late."

She stares at me, her face as calm and collected as when she first greeted me. "If you truly thought you were too late, you wouldn't be here."

Damn.

"Tell me why you're here, Edward."

I sigh. "I hurt someone."

Once again, the words feel inadequate, not good enough. I expect some sort of reprimand from Dr. Medina, but she continues to keep her cool.

"Why?"

"I don't know," I say, reaching for my hair. "I've been telling myself it's because I was scared. But what if that's not the reason? What if there's just something wrong with me?"

For the first time in my life, I allow this fear to come out of me. It's been a constant feeling in the back of my mind, but I've always kept it wrapped inside me.

I'm determined to make this work, though, so I have to be honest in these sessions.

"I think you need to give me more context," Dr. Medina says, not even blinking about my confession. "Who was the person you hurt?"

A part of me knows I could get away from answering this. At least today. I know she's probably not asking for specifics. Maybe she just wants me to tell her the relationship label I had with the person I hurt.

But I want to say her name so badly that it rolls out of me before I can stop it.

"Isabella Swan."

There's a moment of silence between us that feels heavy. Her name on my lips feels like a prayer and a sin all at once.

My skin prickles with memories, and my heart aches at the loss.

Eventually, Dr. Medina shakes her head and gives me a reluctant smile.

"Edward," she says, "you've just made my work so much harder."

* * *

"She explained it'd be hard for her to be objective but that she was a professional," I say, watching as Emmett takes a gulp of his beer.

I don't drink any of mine.

"Can _you_ keep it objective?" he asks.

"I don't know," I say. "Being in that room made me feel closer to Bella, but I feel like she's a fly on the wall."

"Then talk to her," he says. "Say everything you didn't say to her."

That sounds like good advice. It makes me wonder why he's still talking to me. Emmett should've quit on me the moment he found out I had hurt Bella. They were good friends.

"Emmett, why did you and Rosalie break up?" I ask after the silence has gone on for too long.

He groans and shakes his head. "I really don't want to talk about this."

"I understand."

It takes him a moment, but he starts talking after he finishes drinking his beer. "You know she's bisexual. It was never a problem, not at first," he says. I nod and encourage him to go on. "But then she asked for the chance of having another sub, a female sub. I couldn't share her, so we decided to break up."

"You two used to play with other people all the time," I remind him.

He shakes his head. "It's not the same, Edward. Having a threesome for the fun and the pleasure of having sex is one thing, but creating intimacy with someone else, letting someone in when you already feel like you're with _the one… _I couldn't do it."

I don't say anything for a while, because I understand. If I had asked Bella to fuck Max under the right circumstances, if she had said yes, I would've enjoyed watching them because I knew the only reason she would've done it was to please me. And then she and Max would've been done and she'd be back in my arms, mine to hold, mine to take care.

Feelings complicate everything.

"Rosalie gives bi people a bad rep," I say, getting out of my head.

He chuckles, and we switch to lighter subjects .

When I get home that night, I feel better than I've felt in a long time, but can't pinpoint why.

And then I go to bed, and my demons awake.

* * *

"How are you today, Edward?"

"I haven't been sleeping well," I say.

"What's keeping you up at night?" she asks.

I shrug. "Memories, I guess. It's like a movie playing back all the wrong things I've done."

"From now on, when this happens, you'll try to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones. It's not healthy to dwell on the past."

"I don't know if I did anything right by Bella," I confess.

"Maybe letting her go was the right thing to do," she says.

"It doesn't feel like I have," I say.

I don't think it ever will.

* * *

**Yes, Dr. Medina used to be Bella's therapist. No, she isn't anymore.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	36. Chapter 36

**It might have been a long time, but this story is still not done. The updates will just be a little slow to come, until I finish my master.**

**Anyway... SM owns. **

**Thanks to GeekChic and Mari, as usual.**

* * *

**Chapter 36**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"Why did you sell the club?" Dr. Medina asks me at the start of today's session. She has asked me this question before, and I haven't been able to answer it.

"Dr. Medina…"

She shakes her head. "You know why you sold it. You just have to share it with me."

During these sessions, I've been very open and honest about everything she's wanted to know.

We've already tackled my parents and my need for control, but everything related to Bella has been harder than I thought it'd be.

She knows the basics of what happened. It's the part where I feel like Bella is my answer to everything that's been hard for me. It makes me feel like a fraud, as if I'm blaming her for my actions.

_Why did you fight with Emmett?_ Because Bella slept with someone else, and I couldn't handle it.

_Why did you get married to Tanya?_ Because I made Bella leave, and I wanted to redeem myself for what I'd done to her.

_Why did you sell the club?_ Because I can't walk inside it without hearing Bella's sounds of pleasure on the stage.

"I don't know why I sold the club," I say to Dr. Medina once I'm out of my head. "I just needed to get rid of it."

"Why, Edward? Why did you need to get rid of it?"

I groan in frustration. "Because I couldn't fucking deal with it anymore."

"Okay then," she says, not even frazzled by my outburst.

"I don't want to talk about the club," I say after a few minutes of silence.

She nods.

We move to somewhat safer topics. She makes me talk about how I feel when I'm doing a BDSM scene. I spend the rest of the session explaining to her that having that much power over someone else makes me feel free, that when I'm commanding a scene, there is no room for mistakes, and that the pressure to perform flawlessly, not only for me, but for the sub, gives me peace.

I think what she really wants to know is if I'm a sociopath, by which I can't even be offended.

"Time's up," she says after I'm finished talking.

I nod and stand up.

"See you next week," I say.

Dr. Medina smiles a warm smile, pleased by my commitment to keep coming. "One more thing," she says, changing her expression to the impassive one I've become used to. I'm tempted to sit back down to brace myself.

I decide to stay standing and wave at her to speak.

"You bought the club after you married Tanya because BDSM is a part of who you are, as is your voyeuristic streak. It was your way to stay connected to your memories of Bella in a more tangible way, in a structured way, instead of just locking yourself inside your mind with her. You sold it because she went to the club and tarnished what it was supposed to mean. It was no longer a way to stay connected to her, because it became an actual part of your memories."

Dr. Medina's words are delivered at a normal pace, but they feel like they rushed out of her and punched me in the chest.

I stare at her in silence, unable to reply to her statement, even if she's right.

The decision to stay upright is taken from me when my legs give out. The sound of my body hitting the couch again takes me by surprise.

I leave Dr. Medina's office one more hour later with a black journal in my hands.

* * *

_Dear journal,_

_I don't know what I'm supposed to write. Dr. Medina says I should use this to let out the things I can't bring myself to say to her—or anyone._

_I guess she knows I'm not that expressive when it comes to opening up. I don't know what makes her think I'll be able to keep this journal, but I'll try._

_Something I couldn't bring myself to tell her today? I don't think BDSM is part of who I am anymore. Bella is. _

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'll be posting three chapters this week. And three more chapters next week to finish the story.**

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to GeekChic.**

* * *

**Chapter 37**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

Time has a funny way of moving when you're so focused on it. A big part of me is concerned with all the time I spend in therapy, while the other is preoccupied with how long it's been since I last spoke to Bella.

Emmett says I'm getting better, that I seem more patient, that I'm more easygoing. But I don't feel like it's getting any easier.

I miss her.

"Which her?" Dr. Medina asks when I say this out loud.

"Bella," I say. "I miss Bella."

"Not Tanya?" she asks.

I frown. "Of course I miss Tanya. It's not like I wanted her to die."

"So you didn't feel relieved when she died?"

I clench my fingers until it hurts. "No."

She makes a humming sound that grates on my nerves because it manages to sound condescending and sympathetic all at once.

"You don't believe me?" I ask. "Because I'm such a fucking psychopath?"

"It doesn't matter if I believe you. It matters what you think."

I roll my eyes. Such bullshit.

"How did Bella sit through hours of this shit for years? You're annoying as hell."

She smiles, and I can tell the difference from the times she's smiled just to placate me. There's fondness in the curve of her lips. "Bella was a patient girl, and she was truly scared of feeling how she felt, of there being something wrong with her. She cooperated with me."

"There's nothing wrong with her," I whisper.

Dr. Medina nods. "But you think there's something wrong with you, right?"

"How could there not be?" I sigh. "There's nothing right about the things I've done."

"I thought we agreed letting Bella go was the right thing to do," she says.

"Right."

* * *

"She keeps praising me for letting Bella go, but we all know I haven't. Not really. Also, I was in the hospital when she left. Who knows what I would've done if I had been out?"

Emmett takes a longer gulp of his beer, giving me the stink eye. "I'm not your fucking therapist, man. Tell all that shit to Dr. Medina."

I chuckle and pretend to listen to him, but deep down, I know I won't say those things to her.

So I write them in my journal instead.

* * *

As the months go by, I find myself writing less and speaking out more. Dr. Medina talks about progress, and my immediate response isn't rolling my eyes at her.

Emmett introduces me to friends, confessing he's been scared of me being around other people but that he's not anymore.

Apparently, the result of my going to therapy is that I look less intimidating. Even Max said so, after I visited him to apologize.

I start to work from home.

I visit Tanya's grave more.

My nightmares are less frequent and more abstract. There aren't exact faces haunting me but feelings that I discuss with Dr. Medina from time to time.

After a time, I start to believe I'm truly better. Not okay, not good, but getting there.

Until one night, when my phone rings at 2:00 AM, and the voice on the other end leaves me gasping for air.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. There'll be another new chapter tomorrow.**


	38. Chapter 38

**SM owns.**

**Thanks to GeekChic for checking this out and for her support.**

**Please read the A/N at the end.**

* * *

**Chapter 38**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"_Ten, nine, eight…"_

Oxygen has never seemed so unattainable to me until this moment. I've never been more conscious of my heartbeats, how fast they can get.

_Is it dangerous?_

_Am I dying?_

There are lights behind my lids, but I don't know if my eyes are open or closed. My ears are ringing, and the noise is maddening.

"_...seven, six, five..."_

I can't feel the rest of my body.

I'm numb and in pain at once.

My mind feels divided into a million tiny pieces.

Unknown pressure fills my chest, but I can't touch it.

I can't breathe.

"_...four, three, two..."_

I can't breathe.

* * *

"You had a panic attack," Dr. Medina says, calm as usual the next day.

I breathe, taking a moment to appreciate the ability to do it. "I figured."

"You've never had one before," she says. I nod. "How do you feel now?"

I look down, picking apart a loose thread on my sweater. "Weak, powerless..."

She doesn't dwell on that answer. "Do you remember what triggered the panic attack?"

"Bella called."

And her voice was enough to make me feel like a lost man again.

Dr. Medina nods. "She did, and when the line went dead, she called me to go check on you. How does that make you feel?"

I look away. "I don't know."

She sits up straighter, meaning business. "I don't believe you."

Of course she doesn't. Rolling my eyes, I gesture at her to expand. We've developed our own silent language now.

"I think you want to know why Bella's calling you, but you're afraid of hoping it's for the reasons you _want _her to be calling you. You don't want to acknowledge the fact that her calling me to check on you doesn't necessarily mean anything, because she could've done that for anyone. Am I close?"

I shake my head. "Not close, no."

"No?" she asks, somewhat surprised. It's one of the few times I've seen her crack.

I give her a small, sad smile. "I think you nailed that, Dr. Medina."

She sighs, pleased with my answer. "Let's discuss, then."

* * *

A week passes before Bella calls again. Even though we haven't spoken, I know it's her as soon as the phone rings. A prickly sensation of awareness makes itself comfortable in my skin.

I let it ring a few times before answering with clammy hands.

"Hello?"

"Edward," she says, breathing my name in a sigh that sounds relieved. "Are you okay?"

I nod. "Yes."

"That's good to hear," she says. And then, "You scared me."

I let those words soothe me for a minute, gripping my phone harder. My hands are so sweaty I'm afraid I'll let the phone fall. I start to panic at the prospect of having another panic attack, so I sit down on the floor, my back to the wall.

My breathing gets harder, so I focus on controlling it. I don't speak again until I have a better grip on myself.

"Are you still there?" I ask. She hums in response. "How are you?"

There's noise on her end before she answers. "I'm good."

"Good," I say, meaning it.

There's no resentment in her voice, which I take as a good sign. I can let her go completely if it's worth it in the end. If she's okay. If she's happy.

I won't see her again if that's what it takes.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I need your help," she says. "I really need your help."

My world stops. There's a new kind of pressure in my chest. I grip the phone harder. "Whatever you want. Whatever you need."

I can listen to her breathing through the phone now. It matches my own. In a minute, a million horrible possibilities pass through my head. I need her to tell me what's happening.

"Would you come?" she asks. This time, it comes out in a sob.

My insides shatter at the sound.

"To Spain?" I ask, only to make sure. I'm already standing up.

"Yes," she whispers.

"I'm on my way."

* * *

**A/N: Thank you so, so, so, so much for the incredible response to last chapter. I thought for sure you've given up on me. There's going to be a new chapter tomorrow and then the following chapters will be posted next week. **

**Oh and just as a clarification****, in the last chapter the phone call was at 2:00 AM Edward's time. Bella was 9 hours ahead. :)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	39. Chapter 39

**SM owns. GeekChic is amazing.**

* * *

**Chapter 39**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

Walking through the Barajas International Airport in Madrid, I have never felt more grateful for being rich. Having enough money to buy a last-minute flight ticket to Spain is definitely something to be thankful for. I didn't even pack a suitcase because I know I can just buy new clothes when I get there. These are things I've probably taken for granted before.

Money hasn't been much help in the past, to be honest. It didn't help Tanya get better, and it certainly never did anything to improve my relationship with Bella. My wealth and privilege has been such an invisible part of my life that I don't think Dr. Medina and I have even discussed it.

I guess I will tell her I'm thankful for it when I go back. _If I go back._

Stepping inside the car, I breathe in, burying the hopeful feeling in my chest. The mix of worry and giddiness inside me is maddening.

I close my eyes and settle for the ride.

I'm going to see her again.

* * *

When I get to her door, I stop for a second to collect myself. I've been running on adrenaline for a while now, and it's starting to fade. This is the time the internal questioning decides to make itself known.

_What am I doing? I shouldn't be here._

The agony I'll face being in the same room with Bella again, without being able to call her mine, is well-deserved. Still, I can't help being afraid of how this is going to affect my so-called progress.

I'm shaking. Her proximity already feels like too much to handle. I'm a fucking joke.

"Edward?" Bella asks, opening the door before I'm done feeling sorry for myself. "You're really here. Thank you so much."

It looks like she wants to hug me, which makes me too aware of our bodies. I close my arms around myself. "You said you needed my help. I had to come."

After inviting me in, she starts ranting about profits, failing projects, and having to let go of staff members. As she talks, pacing from one end of the living room to the other, I watch her.

I notice how fit she looks, not lean and fragile. Not even delicate. She looks like strength and sensuality mixed together. Her hair's longer and lighter, brown mixed with blonde. It suits her.

Then, I start seeing tinier details, like the circles under her eyes, as if she hasn't slept in weeks. It's a stark contrast to how put together the rest of her looks.

When she finishes talking, she asks me a question, something about numbers and alternatives between plans of marketing actions.

It floors me. "This was a work-related call?"

She stops pacing and looks at me. "You're the most successful person I know."

"Is this a joke?" I say, standing up.

"What?"

"I just started working again from home a few weeks ago." When the confusion on her face makes it clear she doesn't know what I mean, I expand. "I was too busy trying to get better to worry about marketing crises."

_And I'm successful enough to not need to worry, _I add inside my head.

She flinches as if she heard the unspoken words. "I know I'm out of line. I'm sorry."

In a second, I'm standing closer to her, though I don't remember moving. It looks like we both did.

"You're not out of line," I say, tracing the dark skin under her left eye. "I'll help."

"Edward," she whispers. "You don't have to."

I drop my hand. "We both know I do."

* * *

**Thanks for reading. This was a shorter update. Sorry about that. The final chapters will be posted next week.**


	40. Chapter 40

**It's still Monday, right? Sorry for the late update.**

**Thanks GeekChic for everything, as usual.**

**SM owns.**

* * *

**Chapter 40**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

I settle in at a hotel near Bella's apartment. She accompanies me there to show me the way. I try to contain my joy, but I think she can see right through me.

We use public transportation, and she looks at ease amidst the busy background of Madrid. It soothes me, seeing her owning everything around her.

"You don't speak Spanish?" she asks when we get to the hotel. I shake my head and hand her my credit card.

She takes the lead, and after a few exchanged words at the reception, we're handed the key to my room. Bella indicates for me to follow her to the elevator. As we walk, it hits me that she's been in charge all day.

I smile at her.

She smiles back.

"Where is your suitcase?" she asks when we get to the door.

"I didn't bring anything," I say, walking inside the room after her.

Bella faces me, as if aware that my lack of luggage has something to do with my hectic departure. "Thank you so much for coming, Edward. I know I have no right."

I walk closer to her, looking down on her. "Why did you call me, Bella? Why is this project so important to you that you called me?"

In the seconds of silence that follow my question, I die a thousand times. A part of me knows. A part of me, the scared part, the hopeful part, knows her answer will make or break us.

Then she says, "Maybe I just needed an excuse."

And I'm alive again.

* * *

"I was worried about you, Edward," Dr. Medina says on the phone.

I've been in Spain for a week now, jumping from meeting to meeting at Bella's office. We've been so busy trying to come up with ways to not fire everyone in the sinking project that I've forgotten about everything else.

Turns out, the publishing company Bella has been working for put her in charge of a digital project that gave struggling artists a chance in the industry. Sponsors started to lose interest when the money didn't start rolling in quickly enough, so now, there are a lot of people about to lose their jobs and a lot of artists who'll lose their opportunities.

It's important work, and I threw myself at it to help her get it off the ground again. She refused my money.

It wasn't until Bella asked me about Emmett that I remembered what I left behind.

"I'm sorry," I tell Dr. Medina. "I shouldn't have left without saying anything."

She makes a humming sound. "How's Spain?"

I groan. "I hate that I'm so predictable."

"It's my job to know my patients well," she says, chuckling. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," I answer. "I haven't even had a chance to think about how I feel."

"This is why I'm here," she says. "Think about it, and give yourself an answer."

Following her advice, I look back to the moments I've spent with Bella and her crew. After only a few days working with them, I realized how hardworking they all are. The heated discussions about the best courses of action that we've had showed me their commitment to the cause and their loyalty to Bella.

I smile into the phone. "I was scared that being here might make things harder for me, but after the few days I've had, I feel good. I like being useful, busy."

"Admired?"

"Yes, respected."

"Does it make you miss your old activities?"

Her question makes me smile again. I have to give credit to Dr. Medina for talking about BDSM like it's a knitting hobby. Not that she should be scandalized by it, but considering my past with it, it feels weird having someone else talk about it like it's such a trivial thing. As if I wasn't a poor excuse of a Dom.

"Not really," I say. "It's been nice being respected for achievements more important than being vicious with a whip."

She hums, but even from miles away, I can tell she's about to murder me with some of her knowledge.

"Both of your parents are dead," she starts. I flinch, but since she doesn't hear it, she continues. "Tanya is dead as well. You sold the club and your office, which means you don't have anyone to please or convince that you're worthy of admiration or love. Now you can work on who you really are."

Who am I?

Sinner.

Flawed.

Human.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Next chapter will be up on Wednesday. **


	41. Chapter 41

**SM owns.**

**Thank you for reading. Thanks to GeekChic for everything.**

* * *

**Chapter 41**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

In the weeks that follow, Bella and I develop a routine. We meet outside her building and go to the office together. Then, we spend the day working, have lunch with some people from her staff, and leave the office together at the end of the day.

So far, there hasn't been much awkwardness between us. Maybe because we've stayed on safe topics like the city and the work. Nothing too close to home. I'm thankful for it. She's a different person now.

I like to think I'm different too.

"So, any plans for the weekend?" she asks a few blocks before we get to her place.

I chuckle. "I'm trying to convince Fernando to stop calling me _Señor Cullen, _but he refuses to call me Edward or Eduardo."

I'm hoping to get a smile out of her, maybe tease my terrible pronunciation, but she stops walking. Instead, she gives me a sad look.

"Is this trip your first time in Spain?"

I nod. "Why?"

"You should go do touristy stuff. See the sights and all that," she says.

"I've thought about it, but I don't trust myself to go alone. When I went to _La Gavia_ to buy my clothes, it was a disaster." I smile, trying to let her know I'm joking, but the expression on her face is still puzzling.

She looks half mad and half sad.

"You could've asked me," she says and resumes walking.

* * *

On Saturday, I spend the day reading and lounging in bed. I order room service and watch crappy television shows that I know nothing about.

It's pretty much all I've been doing in my spare time here.

I write in my journal, but it's too much sometimes. There's something about watching my biggest fears and my darkest secrets stare at me from a page that takes its toll. I decide I'll write tomorrow and settle in to search for a movie instead.

After I've found what to watch, there's a knock on my door.

It's Bella.

"I'm sorry for showing up like this," she says, fidgeting.

"That's okay," I say, trying to hide how happy it makes me to see her here. "Come in."

She shakes her head. "No, no. Come out. I mean, let's go out."

I frown, taking inventory of my dirty pajama pants. "Now? I haven't even showered today."

For some reason, she flushes, and the pink on her cheeks is way too familiar to me. I grasp the door knob harder.

"Fine. I'll wait," she says.

I tilt my head. "Outside?"

She straightens up and wraps her arms around herself. "Yeah. Yes."

It's weird seeing her so out of control right now. It's been a while since I've seen her act so unsure. I realize I don't like it.

"Bella..."

"Edward, please," she whispers, as if begging me to drop it. "Meet me downstairs."

* * *

On Monday, I call Dr. Medina during my lunch break. Being in different time zones has been difficult, but we're finding some middle ground so I can talk to her once a week.

The session focuses on my Saturday with Bella. We walked around _El Mercado de San Miguel_ and she took me to a place called _La Mallorquina_, where I bought pastries to eat on Sunday. We ended the night drinking sangria at a bar. Turns out, New York is not the only city that never sleeps.

When I dropped her off, she hugged me goodbye. Dr. Medina makes me talk about how I feel with her attention in a context different than work. Unworthy is the first feeling that comes to mind. Dr. Medina doesn't approve.

Thankful is a closed second, and she likes that answer better.

Just when I'm finishing up with her, Bella walks into my office.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," she says, walking with slow steps farther into the room.

I hang up the phone. "It's okay. I was just catching up with Dr. Medina."

She stares at me for a moment, and I have to look away.

"How's… everything?" she asks.

"We've agreed I have to work on being more aware of my feelings, which is her way of saying I need to keep writing in the journal."

Bella chuckles. "That journal business seems to be her thing."

Her words are delivered with lightness, so I shouldn't take it as bait. However, it brings attention to one of the many subjects that haunt me.

I stand up and walk around the desk to stand in front of her. "Does it bother you? That I'm seeing _her _of all people?"

She shakes her head. "It'd be selfish of me to keep you from getting better just because of your doctor of choice. Dr. Medina is really good."

"And you're not selfish, right?" I ask. Her sharp intake of breath makes me aware of the tone of my voice.

"I can be," she says. Her eyes flicker to my mouth, and she wets her bottom lip. I mirror the action in response, cautious.

"What selfish thing have you done lately?"

She steps closer. "Asking you to come here."

I swallow back the nerves that threaten to make my voice shake. "What else?"

She smiles. "I haven't done it yet."

And then she kisses me. It's just a tiny, timid kiss. There wasn't even time to close our eyes. I stare at her and count our breaths.

"Be selfish again," I whisper.

"Is that an order?"

"Do you want it to be?"

Our bodies answer before my brain catches up. We move at the same time toward each other, collapsing in a tight embrace.

The second kiss is a tidal wave, making both of us drown in each other. The feeling of her lips on mine is as addicting as ever. The grip of her hands on my hair is grounding. I tighten my hold on her waist.

The world could end right now.

We stop kissing at the same time, as abruptly as we started.

"Bella," I say, moving my hands to hold her face. "I'm so sorry."

She nods. "I know."

It's enough.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Last regular chapter will be up on Friday. Epilogue will be up next week. (I wasn't going to write an epilogue, but I'll have to... -sigh-)**


	42. Chapter 42

**SM owns.**

**GeekChic thank you for everything.**

**People, please read the A/N at the end.**

* * *

**Chapter 42**

**Present**

**Edward's POV**

* * *

"Bella and I kissed," I tell Dr. Medina as soon as she picks up the phone. I've been debating calling her for hours now, but in the end, I had to. As soon as Bella and I stopped kissing, someone knocked on my door to get us to a meeting.

I was a wreck the entire time and left the office as soon as I could. All I wanted to do was talk to my therapist, because that's the kind of person I am now.

"I know," Dr. Medina says on the phone. She sounds sleepy.

Fuck. I look at the time. It's 3 p.m. in Spain, which means it's only 6 a.m. in Seattle.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up. I didn't realize what time it is," I say, pacing around my room. And then I realize what she said. "Wait, what do you mean you know?"

"Bella called me. She was worried it was the wrong thing to do," Dr. Medina says, sounding more like herself. "She woke me up before you could."

"You're still Bella's therapist?"

"Not really. She calls me from time to time. This was one of those times," she says.

I stop packing and sit down. "Was it? The wrong thing to do, I mean? Us kissing."

"You tell me," she says, not missing a beat.

I groan. "Can you tell _me_ for once? I really can't think right now."

She surprises me by laughing. "It seems you and Bella have a lot in common."

"I just want to know if I fucked everything up," I say. "Is this reaction normal? I mean, if I were truly better, this wouldn't be a normal reaction, right?"

"Let me ask you an easier question, Edward," she says. "Did you enjoy kissing Bella?"

"Of course I did."

"Was this kiss a part of some sort of hidden agenda or ulterior motive?"

I shake my head. "Of course not."

"Tell me how that kiss made you feel," she says. "You're not allowed to use the following words: thankful, unworthy, or nervous. We already know you feel that way."

Focusing on my breathing, I take a minute to answer. What did the kiss make me feel? It was passionate and soft at the same time. It got my skin hot, yet thinking about it makes me shiver.

I close my eyes and can still feel her hands in my hair, her tongue inside my mouth.

Bella's eyes looked at me as if she was seeing me for the first time. I could feel her gaze everywhere.

My skin still feels scrubbed raw. My heart has grown inside my chest.

"Edward? Are you still there?" Dr. Medina asks. "How did the kiss make you feel?"

"Hopeful," I say, this time without missing a beat.

* * *

The next couple of days consist of a tiptoeing dance between Bella and me. We find ourselves accidentally touching each other and then being an awkward mess about it.

There's a sort of innocence about the whole thing that takes me by surprise. I cherish the tenderness of it all: Bella's blushing cheeks, my stammered sentences, our shy glances.

It feels new. Clean. Pure.

It makes me needy. I want to talk to her. I want to know how she feels.

In an act of bravery, I follow her to her office after a staff meeting midweek.

"Bella, can we talk?" I ask, closing the door behind me.

She stands up. "Um, sure. What's up?"

Her attempt at casualness makes me smile. But I didn't come here to play along with that.

I walk closer to her. "I can't keep pretending we didn't kiss."

She sighs. "Edward, I'm—"

"And I can't keep pretending I don't want to do it again."

Silence takes over for a moment, just us looking at each other.

I stand my ground, not looking away or fidgeting, trying to seem braver than I am.

"Okay," she says at last.

I take a step toward her. "Okay?"

She nods and inches closer to me. "I want to do it again, too."

We reach for each other at the same time until our hands are touching. Slowly, our entire bodies follow suit.

Once again, our kiss starts slow, both tentative and scared. Our fire can't stay dimmed for long, though, and soon, we're pushing and pulling at each other, surrendering to our need.

We stumble around the office until we reach a wall. Bella's softest places fit perfectly against my hard ones. In a sudden burst of courage, I hold her up, urging her to wrap her legs around my waist.

Instinct takes over, and I thrust my hips, making her gasp the most perfect sound. I devour it.

_I could do this forever_, I think.

"Can I?" I ask in between kisses. "Please." I don't know what I'm asking permission for, but I need something.

Whatever it is that my lust-filled brain wants, I know I won't fuck her here.

"Yes," she says. "Please, yes."

I thrust harder against her, creating delicious friction between us. When she trembles in my arms, I know it was the right move, so I do it again. I kiss down her neck, undoing the buttons of her shirt to expose more of her skin.

Making her come is the only thing I can think about, the only thing I need. I don't stop until she does, surprising both of us with the intensity of her orgasm.

She grasps my hair, bites her lips, shakes and flushes. I lower her back to the ground but don't let go of her until she can stand on her own.

"Are we really doing this?" she asks, giving me a peck on the lips.

I hold her face in my hands and look her in the eye. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too," she says.

"I know I've fucked up. I've hurt you. I might suck at loving you, but I promise you I'm trying. I'm trying," I say. I only realize there are tears in my eyes when my voice breaks.

She kisses me again. "I've also hurt you, but I want to try. I think we can try."

It's the best we can do.

* * *

**A/N: Epilogue will be up next week. Probably on Wednesday. However, I want to take a moment to thank everyone reading for your support and your patience with this story. Writing this has been the hardest thing for me, because of the theme, the format and the amount of words per chapter I decided to do. I'm so humbled and thankful by the reception this story has had. Thank you to everyone reading, reviewing, discussing, sharing, etc. You rock my world. Truly. **

**I want to thank Mari, my always-there supporter, for always helping me with everything writing-related (and just about everything else). You're one of the best friends I've ever had. I also want to thank Christine for jumping with her eyes closed and her heart open to this story, helping me along the way to make it better and fix all my lack of commas (or abundance of them), as well as my constant mistaken use of in/on. You're so talented, and I admire you so much.**

**Sorry for rambling! I have to go work on that epilogue now. Wish me luck.**


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